Trypop's tragic birthday bash!
by trypophobica
Summary: Chapter by chapter, line by line, I'll write until it's birthday time! Don't be scared, don't you cry, I promise that they won't ALL die... / A bunch of one-shots written by a conceited person who wants to celebrate her own birthday. K for self-harm and death. No unicorn crap here.
1. I'll burn out, and slip away

**MASTERPIECE THEATRE, III.  
**

* * *

_I will softly pull away.._

You get home from school, and it's the last straw.

That stupid Vega chick stole your boyfriend.

First she steals your spotlight, then she steals your friends, one by one, and now the only thing you had left, the only thing that kept you anchored to this hell that **is** earth, is gone. You got in another fight with him, she had been the subject. He had defended her the whole time, that stupid deceptive bastard.

"If you love her so much, why don't you date her?" You had screamed.

_In this broken beautiful mess I've made.._

Your parents are off somewhere, probably suing some rich celebrity skank or something. They probably love money more than they love you, you realize with a snort. Fine, fuck them too. You don't exactly care, so you don't even know why you're thinking about it. You stomp up the carpeted stairs before you change your mind, leaving a trail of muddy footprints on the white carpet behind you.

You storm into your room and slam the door shut behind you. You swear you heard the hinge crack a little bit but it doesn't register in your mind. Your blood is boiling at a thousand degrees and you're sure your face is probably livid. God knows you **feel **livid. Your mind is in a red haze, and you can't think about anything except how much you want to kill Tori Vega right now. You decide that you officially hate Beck, too. Honestly, what kind of boyfriend was he? He didn't deserve you. Suddenly, you're lightheaded. You realize you're so mad right now that your vision's beginning to fill itself with blurry black dots. If you don't calm down soon, you'll pass out. The mist clears, leaving your mind unusually calm and serene. Icy calm, even. You realize something. It wasn't him who didn't deserve you..

You didn't deserve him.

The dawn of this realization makes everything fade. You're not even mad anymore, you don't even feel sad and yet when you see yourself in the mirror of your vanity you can't believe you've been crying this whole time. You almost laugh at the raccoon-eyed appearance of your face and then you remember why you're crying in the first place. You realize that now, you have nobody. Tori was the center of attention and the sun that everybody revolved around, if you crossed Tori, you crossed everyone. All the guys, at least. Of course you would still have Cat, if you hadn't gone and embarrassed yourself by kicking Beck in the balls right in front of her and you could've sworn you heard a gasp from her direction. She was like a delicate flower or some other pitiful metaphor that you're not bothered to come up with right now, and your vulgarity probably scared her off and seriously, fuck Tori Vega. Deciding you're done with it, your eyes flicker to that one pencil case you hide your scissors in. After all, you have nothing else to lose, except your life. You honestly wouldn't care if you lost **that** too, because honestly, you were like the walking dead already.

**Now or never, no regrets.**

Your shoulder bag goes flying into to the other end of your blatantly plain room and lands on the floor with a loud _thud_. You don't even flinch. Grabbing your pencil case and a small handheld radio, you walk over to your window and open it. You take a deep breath and crawl outside, cautiously making your way up the slippery blue shingles. Once you're comfortably straddling the peak of the roof, leaning your back against the chimney, you place your radio between your legs. You turn on the radio and you turn up the volume to it's loudest. The music is beating and thudding loudly and you know that if someone came home right now they wouldn't be able to hear your screaming over the sound of Mariana's Trench. You fumble awkwardly between gripping the radio in the tight vice of your hand(don't want it to fall off the roof now, do you?) and opening the zipper on your pencil case. You rummage through the case with your free hand and find what you're looking for.

The scissors have a purple plastic handle, they were the kind with the extra 'hook' that jutted out of one of the finger-holes, and it reminded you of the ones your hairdresser uses. The blades themselves are a bright silver colour except for a little bit of what _looked _like rust on the razor-sharp edges. You had spent quite a bit of time sharpening it, and it did it's job perfectly.

When you pull back your sleeve, you can't help but analyze your skin. It's porcelain white and you realize you would look like a vampire if you didn't have all those criss-cross scars on them. You always cut in X shapes because you thought it looked pretty, like your arm was wearing a girdle or a corset. The base of your wrist right by your elbow has the largest X, and they just progress down your arm until the smallest X stops right under your palm. You always cut once for everything that was wrong, so all of those Xs toppled on top of each other meant things were wrong a **lot**. You start to sniff quietly as you remember, vividly, the purpose and reasoning behind every scar, every line on your wrist. Before you even know it, there are tears running down your face and the mist is back except this time it's blue, and you can't see past the tears. Your hand comes up shakily and the shiny blade of the scissors line up with your wrist. You can see your reflection in the glistening silver blade and your face contorts in disgust at the sight of itself.

Push, drag. Lift. Push, drag. Lift. You do this several times, hacking at your arm with the scissors until it's reduced to looking like something a toddler would draw. Blood oozes out of your arm and beads up, you admire it because it looks kind of like a bracelet. A barbed wire bracelet. That would be a cool tattoo. You drag the fresh cuts so that they wrap all the way around your wrist, and they **do** look like bracelets now. You hold your arm up to inspect your work and can't help but smirk as the red liquid drips down your wrists. You lurch forward as you almost lose your balance and sigh in relief as you gain it back. Close one- even if you cut yourself, you didn't want to die yet. You still had to kick Beck in the balls again. You don't even realize that the silence you hear now has been ringing in your ears since you'd dropped the radio, five or ten minutes into your little cutting session. You dare peer over the edge of the roof and see that it's fallen into the gutter. You grumble in annoyance and try to slide down the roof to retrieve it.

You're going down the shingles, slowly but surely and you can't help but to remember that your dad said something about a hole in the roof or a loose shingle or **something **_**worrying**_ while you're doing so, and as the ceramic breaks loose under your left foot and you slip down the roof at an adrenaline-pumping rate, you realize what he had said.

"**Jade, I don't want you up on the roof anymore. The shingles are unstable because the construction workers who built it didn't use the proper kind of glue to hold them down."**

You remembered scoffing sarcastically and rolling your eyes.

"_**I mean it, Jadelyn.**_**" **And you know he's serious because he just used your full name and he **never **uses your full name, so you nodded your head and rolled your eyes after he went away.

_And in the dead of quiet,_

You fall towards the edge of the gutter and skyrocket off of it, shooting like a missile towards your garden. You don't know what to do with your feet and arms and as your heart is about to beat out of your chest, you realize that your wrist blood is flying behind you and you must look like some crazy hematologic superhero, you were the leprechaun and the arc of blood behind you was your rainbow. You're so scared and so lost in the air you almost piss yourself, but even in a situation like this, you look down and note what a gorgeous backyard you have.

The last thought you remember having is '_Fuck you, Tori Vega_' before you land on the ground with a gut wrenching wail.

_I will slowly fade.._

After that, the mist is back, and this time, it's black.

_In this masterpiece I've made_


	2. The sun is burning my skin

**A/N: **Alright! I said I'd do one-shots, and even though I'm a huge liar **most of the time**, I wasn't lying this time! It's a miracle!

But really.

I was sleeping in the bathtub last night, and I had an idea! Note how the new name of this story is 'Trypop's Birthday Countdown'(or something to that nature..)! Until the 14th anniversary of my existence(not telling you when it is, you have to read a Demented Lament to know :'D), I'm going to try and upload one one-shot a day! Hehe, one one. I've been doing Mariana's Trench song fics so far, and I'm probably going to do some He is We, too. They're my favorite bands of **all time**, so it's justified! I'll take requests as well, but unfortunately since I'm in Egypt, we use 'the magic internet stick' which I'm not explaining, but it's basically really slow, really _limited_ internet. So I can't watch any videos or download anything, meaning that if you **do **make a request for a song fic, if I don't know what the song sounds like then I **can not **do it.

Alright, then. I've kept you long enough.. Enjoy this fic while I make a quick run to Sam's Club to get some root beer.

…

I know, I have a problem. :C

* * *

**SEPTEMBER.****  
**

* * *

**Stop dragging around,**

You have no idea how long you've been walking.

You don't even care, honestly. But this bag on your back is going to get really heavy after a while.. It's already pulling you down to earth, and you could barely carry it to begin with. But you had to. Fat, dark gray clouds are welling up in the sky and you haphazardly feel the urge to do something, and you do. You grab your backpack and slam it into the ground, suddenly feeling your forehead hot with a headache. You scream countless profanities into the sky without shame; it's not like anyone cares about what you do anymore anyway. You're pissed. You're pissed at the world, pissed at _him_ and pissed at your parents.

**I think that somebody knows..**

Damn parents.

Thankfully they'd given you time to pack before they kicked you out, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to survive. None of your so called 'friends' were allowed to let you stay with them, and looking back on it, you're almost sure that even if they could, they would've found an excuse not to.

Earlier on your little nomadic journey, you'd managed to find a Wendy's(Why it was on the outskirts of Hollywood? No idea- but then again, fast food joints had an unsightly habit to pop up in the weirdest places..) and had ordered something 'for the road', per se. That's why you had a beef burger in your hand, and you lean forward to take a bite from it.

**Turn it up, turn it up.**

You feel the droplets of rain on your head and scarf down the burger so it doesn't get soggy.

_Alright_, you decide. _I should probably figure out where I'm going to stay for the night._ You had procrastinated this action in fear of getting rejected by someone _yet again_. It's not that you minded being unwanted- you'd been unwanted your whole life -but your pride gets damaged by it after a while.

It was all you have left, really.

Your pride.

**I think that somebody knows..**

[…**.Flashback.**...]

_No, no no. This can't be happening. _

_You stare down at the little white stick at your feet, and in the corner is a little green plus sign. You ball your fists and will it to change into a minus. When it doesn't, it takes everything within you not to cry. You can get through this without anybody knowing. You just need to get an abortion.. like, now!_

_You get up and rush out the door, leaving the test behind._

**Turn it up, Turn it up.**

_It's a short drive to the nearest hospital, so you decide you can use your sisters car without her knowing. She was out with her stupid friends anyway, so she couldn't even use it!_

_You get into the red honda accord and sit in the drivers seat._

"_..Damn. If dad and mom find out, I'm screwed." You mutter to yourself, realizing it's true. You belong to a strict catholic family, and the vices of their religion hold them tighter than any sense of morale or intuition that they possess. You shudder at the thought of getting caught, not even wanting to imagine the consequences. You turn the key in ignition and back out of the driveway slowly, carefully. You were being extra-careful because there was, essentially, a little version of you in there. As you're driving, you sneak a glance at your stomach. It doesn't look different, but it's almost as if you suddenly have X-Ray vision, and you can see a little baby in there._

_**Your **baby._

_Do you even want to get rid of it?_

_No, no. Don't think like that. You shake your head to clear it. You _can**not **_keep this thing. It will _ruin_ you. Not to mention, you'd be fat for a whole 9 months, then when you finally had it, it'd be nothing but a crying, needy mass. Even if you wanted it, you reasoned, there was no way that you were physically or mentally ready to take care of something- once, you'd had a goldfish. It died because you literally never fed it once, and when the water turned green you never cleaned it. If you couldn't remember to shake a few fish pellets into a bowl, what made you think you were capable of taking care of another **human**? You couldn't flush a dead human down the toilet like you did to your goldfish; you'd go to _court_ for having a dead human._

_You pull into the hospital's parking lot and, being extra careful, back into a parking spot. You twist the key and the lively hum of the car's engine revs_ _into silence, making you hyperaware of your pounding heartbeat. You gulp and wipe your eyes to clear them, then get out of the car and trudge into the hospital._

[..**.**.**.**..]

**So they can watch me explode,**

_You're driving home and your head is pounding so hard you just want to close your eyes and sleep. The trip to the hospital hadn't solved anything; the doctors had told you they couldn't remove the baby until it became a fetus, because it was just a cell right now, and.. you hadn't listened to the rest. You couldn't believe they told you you had to wait **three months **before you could do anything to get rid of it._

_You pull into the driveway of your house and walk inside._

_You're surprised to see your mom, your dad and even your stupid little sister sitting there, on the living room couches._

"_Hi..?" You ask questioningly, expecting a response.. just, you didn't expect the response that you got._

"_Trina," your mom begins with an icy calm that makes you freeze, "What's this?" She holds up a little white stick, with a plus sign in the corner._

Oh no. **Oh no.**

_You struggle to respond but nothing comes out, and your whole family's gazes are boring into you, lasers that are slicing your very existence, destroying you. Your hands are clammy and your brain just stops. Everything from that point onwards is slow motion, surrealistic._

"_You have to get rid of it." Your dad says, and you don't even know what comes out of your mouth next but it obviously doesn't make him happy._

"_It's a living thing, so it doesn't deserve to die?" Your mom mocks you. "It's a spawn of satan, that's what it is!" She spits, and her words rip right through you._

**Another piece of me is _gone, again_.**

_Something else must have run out of your stupid pie hole because now Ms. Vega's face is turning bright red and her fists are balled and her knuckles are pale and you've never seen her this mad before, **ever**._

"_What the **fuck** did you just call me?" She gets up, about to run over and beat the shit out of you, no doubt- but your dad stops her, grabbing the foaming-at-mouth woman that you so foolishly used to call your mother. She's putting up a fight, she's clawing and kicking and she wants to hurt you and kick you and she screams all the things that she would do to you if her stupid husband wasn't holding her back. You take a frightened step back, but try not to let the fear that's tugging at your heart show through._

"_You stupid, worthless **shit**!" You flinch at her words, and look over at your sister. She's not even defending you, and you swear you see satisfaction In her eyes. You snarl a threat to her, and you see her eyebrows raise in challenge. That's it. That's fucking **it**. You begin to cross the room, fist behind your head and ready to punch. You knew you couldn't sing and act, but your martial arts skills were top-notch. So you punch. Tori goes flying to the floor, landing with a soft thud and melodramatically crying out in pain._

_You quite stupidly say something else to Tori and your mom, and you don't know what it is but that was obviously the last straw, because your mom's face turns a livid purple so fast you didn't even think it was physically possible._

"_Get **out**!" Holly Vega shrieks, flinging the test at you. You duck and it narrowly misses your head. You look at your own mother with pain and malice in your eyes, and you can see she's shaking with anger._

"_I'm sorry, Trina. You can't stay here." David says, and you glare at him too. Your stupid little princess of a sister is just sitting there on the ground, looking at you with a blank expression. But behind that expression, there was shame._

Shame!

"_Trina, I.. You.. You should go."_

_Wow, your **own sister, **too? Fine, then. You storm out of the living room and go to pack._

[…**.End flashback.**...]

You can't help but curse yourself while you're walking, thinking about how everything could have gone so much better if you'd just remembered to _hide the damn test_! You collapse, leaving you splayed on your stomach in the grass. You probably look like an idiot, but what does it matter anymore? You're **homeless, **you're **useless**,

and you're **worthless.**

You cross your arms on the ground in front of you and bury your face in the little crook you just made, sobbing into yourself. It's not helping that the rain is beating down hard on you, soaking your hair and making you flinch everytime you hear the clap of thunder.

You stay like this for what seems like years, just crying and scared. Your sinuses hurt and your ears are ringing, but you don't want to get up and you don't want to stop crying.

Crying is better than feeling nothing.

You only stop crying when something touches your shoulder and you scream, leaping to your feet in a reflexive reaction.

"Whoa, Trina, don't hurt me!"

In front of you, stands a man. He looked incredibly familiar. Dark skin, dreadlocks, muscular arms and pretty damn tall. Your arms fall to your side in disbelief as you recognize him.

"A-André? Why are you here?"

Why was he here? Not here as in location, but here as in with **you**? Since when do your stupid sister's friends _want_ to be near you, knowing all the stuff that you **know **Tori's told them? Especially your recent battle with your parents, and definitely pregnancy.

"You okay?" He ignores your earlier question and you almost find it sweet that he cares.. then you remember- why would anyone care about you? Suspiciously, you look into his creamy brown eyes to look for signs of insincerity, but all you find is concern. Almost disappointed, almost happy, you answer him with the slightest shake of your head. The memories of what happened flood back and overwhelm your mind.

.**.**.

"_Get **out**!"_

"_It's a spawn of satan, that's what it is!"_

"_Trina.. You should go."_

"_You stupid __**shit**__!"_

_.__**.**__._

You can't see anything because you realize you're crying, and apparently somewhere along the way you fell back down to your knees. Your fazzini jeans soak and get all muddy, and although they were everything to you at one point, you don't even care anymore. Go figure. You think with a hint dark humor that André probably already left, probably walked away from Tori Vega's stupid, talentless freak slut sister that went and got herself pregnant. You wished he was still here with a sad sigh. Better than being alone.

**I don't want you to go, but I already know.**

Just when you're about to give up, you feel a pair of strong arms around your torso and you don't even know what's happening but suddenly someone's carrying you fireman-style, and you feel the same strong hands rubbing your back and you realize André's carrying you to his car, and your duffel bag Is in his hand. You sniff pitifully and wipe your eyes.

"André?" You call to him hesitantly, but he doesn't answer you.

**Turn it up, turn it up.**

He sits you in the front seat of his silver Corolla and straps the seatbelt over you, his arm brushes your shoulder and you flinch at the contact. He doesn't even give you a second glance and you're grateful for it. You're suddenly afraid you're going to get the car wet, but you look under you and realize that there's a towel under your bum, and another under your feet. André hasn't asked you a single question about why you were there, how you ended up there and most importantly _what did you do_? The only thing he's asked is if you're okay and somehow you know he cares.

Next thing you know the car is moving and you look over at him, about to say thank you. He must have seen the appreciation in your eyes because he just pats your shoulder reassuringly and says,

"You're welcome."

You realize with a start you have no idea weather he had been doing something important when he found you, and you begin to panic, over boarding him with selfless questions(very uncharacteristic of yourself), saying that if he had something to do, anything was more important than a worthless **shit** like yourself, and he should just dump you at the side of the road and go do whatever's more important.

**It's probably better to go..**

"I'm serious, André." Your voice is icy calm despite feeling like you have lava in your veins, and you realize you aren't crying anymore. You're staring at him with nothing but sadness and concern in your eyes. He shakes his head, and you wonder why he's being so quiet. He pulls into the driveway of a decent-looking townhouse. He opens the door for you and you hop out, carrying the bag in your hand. He leads you inside, and you can't resist staring around the house in wonder, telling him it's a nice place. He smirks and thanks you, then frowns. You almost flinch at the rapid fluctuation of emotions, wondering if you said something wrong. You look down in shame.

**And you can leave if it's easier..**

"Trina." He tips your head up, and you peer at him curiously behind the comfort of your brunette locks.

"I don't know what happened to you, but it doesn't even matter. I've got you now, okay? Don't worry anymore."

You smile at this, unable to resist giving him a hug, thanking him one million times. He wraps his arms, those strong arms around you and you smile into his shoulder. You're extremely wet and he's extremely dirty, and after that hug you're both extremely muddy.

You pull away to look at him in the eyes, and suddenly realize how gorgeous they are. The way the light hits them casts a chestnut shadow on them, and if you squint a bit you can see lighter coloured flecks in his irises, like caramel stalagmites. His eyes are on your mouth and you lick your lips in anticipation, only to see him do the same. You lean in slightly and he mirrors your actions..

"Thank you so much, André." You breathe quietly.

And you kiss him.

* * *

**A/N: **Eee, I love this. I don't even like Trina!

Anyway, the three R's for preserving our lovely mother earth as long as possible are.. rate, review, and rectal thermometers!

Wait.. what? I didn't write that, I swear. I don't even have hands! A llama came and ate them, then he stabbed me 37 times in the chest, and now I'm bleeding root beer!

Send me your requests, my pretties! C: My creativity streak might end soon, so hurry!

Uhh.. I just realized I love writing second person. I LAHVE IT! /swoons


	3. All it is is a memory, hey

******A/N: **Hello, my babies!

My beautiful, beautiful babies. eue

Was that creepy? Sorry.. I forgot to take my pills again.

Forgive me, babies.

This is today's installment of..

'Trypop's Tragic Birthday Bash'! Or, as I've cleverly named it, 'TryTraBirBas'!

...You can just call it TTBB if you want.

**I HAD THE HARDEST TIME UPLOADING THIS. **Just saying. **EVERYTHING CAME OUT AS BOLD AND IT IRRITATED ME!** Wow, I used all caps in a blind n00b rage! Achievement!

It's a He is We song. c: Anyone else like the band? This is one of my favorite songs by them. I'm not proud of this one(hah, when do I ever like my writing? xD), but if you're _crazy_, you might like this! :D It's a very cliché topic, though. -u- There's also a bunch of references in here that I made, mostly by accident. For example, Daniel Ryder? Yeah, I had no idea that was just the name of a guy on the show but flipped over. xD And Fransisco Montoya is the name of one of the unlockable characters you can get on Temple Run. o.o

I wanted to do a disclaimer! /clears throat

I don't own Victorious, because Dan Schneider does! Not for long.. muahahaha..

* * *

******KISS IT ALL BETTER.**

* * *

You wake up and you have no idea where you are, but it comes into focus with time.

******And he lays on his bed,**

You're laying on your pink bed and you're looking at your now tear-stained heart duvet, regretting your taste. You wished that the bed had something like skulls or maybe cupcakes on it, but not hearts.

Hearts were, you knew, not shaped like that. They were organs that pumped blood. Hearts bled, essentially. Spread the blood around your body. They weren't happily-ever-after symbols that signified everlasting love, but muscles hidden deep within your chest. You wished your own heart wasn't stinging with anxiety and pain right now. You wish you knew why it hurt. You remembered something.. but what was it? It wasn't good.

******Covers his head, and closes his eyes.**

You close your eyes slowly and tilt your face forward, watching as the droplets of salty water fall like rain, landing with quiet _plop_s on the bed-sheet. A tear lands on your finger and you bring it up to your face, noting the reflection. Staring back at you is a girl with a hollow gaze, a girl who normally has a smile on her face that reflected her soul and heart.

Heart.

It felt wrong to say that now.

"_Who are you? Go away!_"

You also realize that you look like a mess, and get up to clean up a bit. You walk over to your baby blue vanity(It actually went quite well with your peachy pink bed, your room had a sort of cotton candy theme to it and you liked that.) and peer at yourself in the mirror. Just normal you, you suppose, but your caramel coloured hair's unkept and messy and your eyes are a little bit red. Your red Polo shirt was a little crinkled, but for the most part the only thing that bothered you was..

Red.

Red is a nice colour. Red is a pretty, bright colour. Red is the colour of roses, and red is valentines day, and red is strawberries, which you like a lot! Especially with sugar on them. Or chocolate! Chocolate is delicious, especially in cake. But you like Red Velvet cake, especially with sugar on top. You like sugar. Red is also lips. You love lips.

You sigh and wipe your eyes.

Red is also angry.

******He sees a smoking gun,**

"_Danny.. wake up! __Danny__!"_

You're about to walk away from the vanity when something stops you. You look at yourself and realize you're really mono-hued. Brown eyes, brown hair, light brown skin. It's boring. It's sad. But it's natural and 100% you, you guess.

******And the coward, he ran,**

You'd really like it, though, if your hair was a different colour. So you go downstairs, careful not to wake up your mom, because she was on break and she was probably napping. You go into the hair salon part of your house(Your mom owns it, it's the bottom floor and you live on top of it. It's convenient, really.) and note that there's no customers in the shop.

Red is also ambulance.

"_Get up, Danny. Get up, he's gone!"_

You pad over to the open/closed sign and flip it over so that 'Open' is facing you and 'Closed' is facing outside. This way, no one will bother you. You go into the back, the storage room where you know your mom keeps the beauty supplies. You walk up and down the countless shelves of beauty products, brown eyes trained on the contents.

...

"_Danny, you're bleeding!"_

"_Stay with me, Danny!"_

******And in his arms is the bleeding,**

"_Hello? Yes, me and my boyfriend.. we got shot. No, I'm not important!_

"_Please help him!"_

"_Hurry! Please.. please.."_

**__****Love of his life.**

...

_Weeeeoooowwhh, Weeeeeeoowwwh._

"_Danny, stay awake, open your eyes. Danny! The ambulance is here, keep your eyes open!"_

Your head starts to hurt. Who's Danny, and who keeps screaming at him? Why do you remember hearing a siren? You groan and rub your temples, but don't leave the room because you still haven't found what you're looking for.

******And she cries, "Kiss it all better."**

"_Danny, I love you. I love you so much."_

******I'm not ready to go.**

"_Don't leave me.."_

You finally find the colour of hair dye you want. You don't know why you're sticking with traffic light red but something is pulling you towards it like a magnet. It's a hauntingly familiar colour and you don't know why, but you're almost sure this 'Danny' guy has something to do with it.

"I'm sorry, miss.. Valentine? He didn't make it through the surgery."

******It's not your fault, love, you didn't know.**

You sit down In the far end of the room, in the dark. You know what you're doing, you've dyed your hair before. You open the package and stare at the bloodred paste, then smear it all over your hair and pull the shower cap/hair net that always comes with the dye over your head.

You sit for a while to let the colour set in.

You use this time to think.. the memories are so close, yet so far away. Danny.. Daniel.. DanielYour head suddenly clears, and a memory so vivid it's almost like watching a movie dances in your minds eye. Your crying minds eye.

**.********.****.**

"_He.. what?" Your tearful eyes are open and to the brim with sadness. The EMS man in front of you just stares back at you with pity in his eyes._

"_I'm sorry. If you had gotten to him two minutes earlier, he might have had a chance." With that, he walks away._

_So this was your fault._

******You didn't know.**

_If you hadn't been stupid and panicked for three whole minutes and just been a responsible adult, then Danny would be here with you. You would be smelling his skin, touching his lips with your own and most importantly, if hadn't been stupid, you would still see his beautiful, pearly smile._

_The same smile that made you fall in love with him._

**…**

You get up after the colour sets in your hair and you take off the hair net, shaking your head a few times to loosen up the still damp hair that had clumped up. You ran your fingers through it and examined them. No red on them.

Curious, you trudge to the bathroom in your room to look at yourself.

Your hair is now the colour red. The colour of strawberries, love, candy and cherries. Red was also the colour of red velvet cake! Danny loved red velvet cake..

**…**

******He was only a memory,**

_You and Daniel, you boyfriend, were sitting on the swings of a park. You were way too old to be there, and the toddlers were shooting you glances but you smiled at them and they seemed to be OK with two big kids using the swings for a while. You were holding hands with Daniel, and he was telling you a story about how his cat fell into a bowl of red velvet cake batter once._

"_And it's funny, 'cause then Felix was like, 'Reeowrr!'" He imitates a cat and lets go of your hand for a second to claw at the air with his, like he really __was __a helpless cat drowning in cake batter. You giggle at this, bringing your hands up to your mouth in what you hoped was an adorable way._

"_Did you throw out the batter?" You ask, already knowing what he was going to say- you'd heard this story a thousand times, but it was still your favourite._

"_No, because red velvet cake is like a precious metal: You must cherish it __all__." You finish the sentence with him, your voices falling in perfect sync as you talked together. You can't resist giggling again before Danny grabs your hand and looks at you, which makes you go silent._

"_Trina.." He begins slowly. He had always called you Trina. He said it was because it was different from Cat, but still made sense because her name was Caterina. You didn't mind, of course. You thought it was cute that it was your 'special nickname' that only he called you._

"_Yeah?" You look at him with your big innocent brown eyes._

"_I've been thinking, and there's something I wanted to say to you." He pauses to check your face, which was encouraging, before he continued. "I've never said it before, because I wasn't sure if it was true, but now.." He looks at you with his soft green gaze, silent for a moment._

"_I think it is."_

"_Caterina Hannah Valentine,_

_I love you__."_

******All it is is a memory..**

_Your hands flew up to your mouth to hold in the girly squeal that was going to escape before you leapt out of the swing, and grabbed him with your hand, pulling him out of his seat and into your arms, and his lips into yours._

_It's your first kiss, and it's so mushy and sweet and cheesy in an amazing way that you can't help but blush when you find him smiling. His hands are on your waist and you lean your forehead against his, noting he tastes like red velvet cake. You pull away and smile sweetly at him, and he smiles sweetly at you._

"_I love you too." You grin like a baby and reach out to hug him again._

**__****Bang.**

**…**

******Kiss it all better,**

"Cat, sometimes when people are tense or in moments of extreme emotion, they block out every memory of what's bringing them pain in an attempt to not feel it anymore. Can you tell me who this is?"

Your therapist, Ms. Casey, holds up a picture.

A boy is holding a red velvet cupcake, and he has icing on his nose. His spiky brown hair is all over the place and his green eyes are crossed, his tongue out of his mouth in an attempt to lick the icing off. He looks so cute and so familiar, but you know it's just a picture. He's not coming back.

"Yes." You answer honestly.

"I noticed that the cupcake he's holding is the same colour of your hair, can you tell me about that?"

You nod compliantly.

******I'm not ready,**

"He really liked red velvet cupcakes, and I really liked him." You shrug. "So I dyed my hair to remind myself of him." You try to keep all emotion out of your words, but your voice cracks at the end and you kick yourself for breaking the happy-go-lucky ditz façade you've developed since three years ago, since he left you, since he took him away.

Since you couldn't save him.

******To go.**

"Anything else?"

You nod.

"I've really liked red since he.. since he died."

"Why red?"

"Because of red velvet cupcakes!" You exclaim. "And.. and strawberries.. and.. and ambulances." You finish quietly.

"You dyed your hair to remember the ambulance?"

"Yes. It's a constant reminder of how I wasn't able to save him in time." You confess.

"I don't know if this is the best time, but Daniel Ryder was one of my patients before. He said that you were his.. His 'everything', I believe is the term he used." Ms. Casey is looking at you and you realise that you're crying. "He also used to cut himself."

You stop cold. The image of your boyfriend, wrists slit and bleeding, appeared in your mind's eye. That image wasn't going to go away for a long time. Everytime you blinked, it appeared.

"Wh-why?"

"He felt bad. This is a lot for you to take, Cat, but I think you need to know." Your therapist says, and she's not treating you like that ditzy redhead, she's not treating you like the crazy girl who's boyfriend died, she's treating you like a normal teenage girl, and you're grateful. "Daniel was under blackmail by.. by Fransisco Montoya." Your heart stops.

The guy who shot your boyfriend had been blackmailing him?

"How do you know?" You ask, and you're hoping she says that she's joking, or kidding, or that it's april fools, but none of that is happening. You look into her green eyes and all that's there is honesty.

"He told me. He said he used to do it because he never wanted to hurt you, but he didn't mind hurting himself. Mr... Fransisco Montoya apparently blackmailed Mr. Ryder because Daniel owed him money. He had a deadline, and.. he missed it. That's why he got shot."

******It's not your fault, love..**

You stare at her blankly, your whole world comes crashing down.

He could have lived.

_He could have lived._

"Uh.." You've never seen a therapist look so uneasy before. "So why did you say you liked red again?"

******You didn't know.**

"Red is the colour of cupcakes." You say flatly. "Red is also-"

"Strawberries, ambulances." Your therapist finishes. You smile darkly, she was paying attention.

"Oh, yeah.

Red is also blood."


	4. Thin, where have you been?

**A/N: **Yes, my pretties! Look at this beautateousness. That's not even a word! :D

More Mariana's Trench. :O I can't believe it either. While you're reading this, play the song! It's Skin and Bones by Mariana's Trench, I think the album is 'Fix Me' but I haven't been bothered to check. :3

...

Uh.. I know I was supposed to say something funny in this, so.. Potato.

* * *

**SKIN & BONES.**

* * *

Robbie broke up with you today.

He said you weren't his type.

He's not a good liar.

**I lock the door.**

You're sitting on the floor in your bathroom. The door's locked and you're sitting with a razor in your hand, but you haven't done anything with it. Yet. You get up and turn on the radio that you brought in with you. Your parents probably think you're taking a bath.

**Turn all the water on,**

He said you weren't compatible with him. You know better. You know he doesn't want to be seen with you. You, Cat Valentine, the bipolar freak who dyed her hair red. You heard the rumors. Everybody thought you were autistic, or on LSD, severe ADHD- there was a new one everyday, and you've heard them all. Even your _friends_ talked about you badly.

**And bury that sound, so no one hears anything, anymore.**

"_Guys, I'm worried about Cat."_

"_Why?"_

"_I think she's gained weight.."_

Gained weight, huh? You get up and walk to the other end of the bathroom, to the small digital scale. You slowly step onto it with a pounding heart. _97_. The numbers make your eyes pop. You **have **gained weight. You step off, strip naked. Walk to the mirror, and you see yourself. You're incredibly tiny. Your red hair neatly falls to your shoulders, and you realize maybe you **do **look a bit.. fuller. You also have scars. Lots of scars. They're criss-crossed on your thighs, your upper arms, even the part of your stomach right under your bosom has thin red lines on it. The colour matches perfectly with your hair, and you twirl a strand of it in your manicured fingertips.

**Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see..**

You turn sideways and see that your stomach is a razor straight line down, instead of the curved, flat-ab concave you used to have. God, you **were **_**fat**_. You were **ugly**. They were right.

Well, there's only one way to fix that.

"_The little redhead's got a candy addiction, so what?"_

"_What if it gets bad?"_

"_Then she'll be fat, Tori! Who cares?"_

**Maybe you won't be able to recognise me now.**

They would. They would care. They'd leave you.. Robbie hadn't even defended you. You had to fix it. Fix yourself.

You walk over to the toilet hesitantly, leaning yourself over the edge of it. You can smell it, and it's nauseating. This is all too familiar. You slowly close your eyes and tie your hair back in a tight ponytail. Vomit and hair don't mix.

**I know you can feel all the things you steal,**

"_It's not like her being fat is the priority of her __**many**__ problems."_

"_Jade!"_

"_It's true."_

**And you're taking it.**

It **was** true. You were on 4 different prescriptions: two for depression, one for ADHD and one for bipolar disorder. If you weren't a freak, who was?

**You're taking it.**

As disgusting as it is, you look at your reflection in the water of the toilet. All you see is ugly. An ugly, unwanted mess. You were always taken for granted by your _friends_, and it made you sick. Nobody treated you like a person- more of a pet. Jade said it herself.

"_Cat's basically a pet then a person."_

You don't even realise it when your fingers are down your throat, sharp nails scratching at the skin and making you feel nauseous. It hurts, it hurts so bad but the burning sensation is welcome. Your throat convulses and your eyes are streaming tears, why haven't you puked yet?

**Feeling so easy,**

You hear the sound of your own coughing followed by something warm and liquid pouring out of your throat. Vomit. You puke and puke and puke until you're empty, shoving your fingers down your oesophagus like knives. You swear that while you're doing this, you can feel your stomach getting smaller. That's all you want, now. To get smaller and smaller and just dissapear.

**Make me skin and bones,**

"_Jade, that's really mean!"_

"_What do you expect, Tori? She acts like a confused rabbit."_

"_She does a lot for us, Jade."_

**I'm always on my knees for you.**

And you do. You do **everything **for them. You spill your guts for them, and you know they don't appreciate it. They're ungrateful. You could recount every single one of the moments where someone could have **thanked you**, _appreciated you, _and they _**didn**_**'**_**t**_**.**

Your stomach was long since empty, but you're still just dryheaving into the toilet. You guess that if you do it enough, your ugliness, your sadness and your misery will fall down into the toilet along with your lunch.

You wipe your mouth with the back of your arm.

_97._

That's how much you weigh. 97 pounds. You lift up your arms and count every scratch, every red tick that graced your tanned skin. There's 12 cuts on your left wrist, 14 on your right one and you think there's 7 on your chest. That's 33 cuts in total. 97 minus 33 is.. 64.

**It only hurts a bit,**

And that's how many cuts you draw on your arm. One cut for every pound you weigh. You write words, draw Xs and carve yourself, like your skin is ice and you want to make a sculpture. Really, if you were a sculpture you think you'd be a bone.. or a giant skull. Not a crystal skull, an ice skull.

**And I still feel like _shit_.**

Because you're not crystal clear, you're not rock solid.

You're ice cold, and all it takes is one simple insult to make you melt.

**And you won't be able to recognise me now.**

You lick the blood off your wrists. It's gross, but you find the metallic taste of the blood comforting. Plus, your mom won't ask you about the bloody tissues you leave in the waste basket, because there won't _be _any. You wrap the razor in some toilet paper and get up to leave the bathroom. Your mind is wandering, and you wonder how you can think of everything at once, but still think about nothing. You wonder how you pretend nothing is wrong every day, but there's always a mental hurricane inside you, questioning everything and panicking over nothing. All the time.

**It's easier to quit, it's harder to admit,**

You look over at the cuts on your arms and giggle a bit. You're surprised at the sound that comes out of you- it's not your usual, light, Caterina Hannah Valentine giggle, but it's a dark, humorless laugh. It sounds hollow and it even scares you. You walk into your bedroom and set your hands onto the baby blue vanity you know so well, looking into your reflection.

Everything that's ever made you mad bubbles to the surface of your being, and suddenly you just want to punch something. Your face contorts in rage as you remember the times your friends have left you, the time your dad left your mom, the first time your mom ever slapped you. You're tired of playing this part, faking your happy, Cat Valentine face every day. You're tired of being Cat. You want to be Caterina for once, you want to be able to be sad in public without anyone or anything looking at you and saying, 'Oh, it's just Cat being Cat.' You want people to care, you want people to _like you_, you want people to **love you** for _once_! You lash out, punching the mirror in front of you. The glass cracks around the epicentre of your fist, and as you pull away, you're left to stare at your broken reflection.

_What have you become?_

_**You're pushing me, **_**you're ****_fucking _**_PUSHING__** me.**_


	5. Could be your perfect disaster

**A/N:** Ohhhh baby. Ohhhh baby, that's good. Don't stop! Donnn't stop!

...How long have you been here? Go away, I'm.. I'm _busy_! Get outta here, here's a story to distrac- er, _entertain_ you. C:

* * *

**EVER AFTER.  
**

* * *

**Once upon a time,**

There used to be a girl.

Yeah, used to.

She used to have a voice like an angel, and an innocence just as naive. Every day, she would awaken with the sun, alone. There was always a.. a tug in her stomach that would burn like an ulcer, and a hole in her heart that she _knew_ could only be filled with the presence of company. She believed it was called _loneliness_.

**I used to romanticise.**

She used to have fits of childishness, she used to imagine that she was a damsel waiting for her perfect knight in shining armour.

Still, no one ever paid her any mind. This tore away at her and her self-esteem, lowering it and lowering it until she was sick and **tired** of being alone, sick and tired of waiting for her knight to come.

**Used to be somebody,**

One day, she came to school, and the moment she walked in, people **did** notice her. Instead of the light, happy clothing she used to wear before, she adorned bracelets of all kinds- all black. Her hair, which had been a light brown the previous day? All black, with the exception of a multitude of pastel coloured hair extensions. She wore a studded dog collar and smokey eye shadow. Needless to say, this got her noticed. She loved the attention, she knew it was the bad kind of attention, but it was nonetheless.

**Never mind.**

It was like this from now on. She dressed like a goth, looked like a goth. Eventually the loneliness got to her heart and froze it ice-cold. She began to act like a goth, shooting insults and defensive remarks like verbal bullets. She always tried not to, but she failed miserably. She slowly saw herself turning into an alpha female of sorts, rising to the top of the school caste with brute force and verbal aggression. She didn't enjoy it, and she didn't enjoy herself. Nobody noticed her pain, though. No one could see that behind the façade of snide remarks and angry glares, there was a scared little girl with a broken heart and tears in her eyes. No one did, no one but him.

**Don't miss it that much now.**

He was the silver lining of the cloud; he was nothing at first. But it's funny how fast someone can go from being your nothing to your _everything_.

All it took was one simple question for her to break down.

"_Jadelyn, what happened to you?"_

Every day, she would awaken with the sun, and the first thing she would see would be her boyfriend.

**I think it's sinking in.**

Her sweet, loving boyfriend.

She would awaken to the feeling of his soft, caring hands gently stroking her hair, telling her he loved her. And she loved him. She loved him more than anything on this earth, and life without him, she knew, was something she knew she wouldn't be able to stand.

So when he left her for Tori Vega, she didn't even try to.

**Days I wonder where I've been.**

"_Jadelyn's gone."_

She thought that he was her saviour; she thought that he was the light at the end of the tunnel for her.

Turns out, he was just the train.

"_I'm **Jade**."_


	6. You are the disease

**A/N:** ... you don't _deserve _an authors note.

That's right, you've been bad minions. Only five reviews? This is a disgrace.

Now, shoo! I don't want to see your uncommitted faces until you want to review. Hmph.

* * *

**PRIME TIME.**

* * *

**This is the dying,**

I'm not even thinking anymore.

Why should I, when all my thoughts can drift to is _her_?

This has become automatic, systematic. I don't need to think, so I don't. Just cut, cut, cut, watch the bleeding. If blood had a song, it'd be my theme- a calm piano tune that lulled you into false security, then belted out the loudest notes possible for your eardrums to shatter, just like my heart did.

"_Hi! Guess what?"_

I miss her, I love her.

Too bad I have this funny little thing called pride.

**You are the disease.**

She infiltrates my every thought like clockwork, I miss her just as much, and I can't help but wonder weather she still thinks about me.

I bet she doesn't.

I bet nobody does, really.

But the pain is reassuring. It's.. It's calming, in a way.

"_Me and Beck are dating now!"_

Better than feeling nothing at all, right?

Besides, it's not like I had a chance. He's Beck, and I'm.. well, me. The biggest dork, the biggest loser. Ugly, lanky and nerdy.

I'm no lady magnet, but I know if she'd given me just **one chance**, I would have been able to make her happy.

**And I smile like Ritalin,**

My mind is so easily distracted.. I need to focus on the task at hand.

I push just the tip of the blade down until it punctures the skin, and I carve delicate, artistic strokes into the skin of my thigh.

I'd like to think it looks a bit like a heart.

"_Isn't that great?"_

A bleeding, messy, scraped up heart.

So I cut it in half.

**The razor and me.**

If I could, I'd turn it all back.

"_Yeah, that's.. that's great. Good for you."_

Right before I was going to pop the question, you know?

The blood pours like a waterfall and I can't help but to think that if she had just waited _one day for me_, maybe I'd have had a chance. Maybe I could have loved her the way he did, better than he did. Maybe my white skin would have actually been perfect white, instead of red-and-white striped.

No, of course not. What do I have to offer that Beck doesn't?

I'm glad that he has her.. yep. Glad. Because he's 400 times the man I'll ever be.

**This is the falling,**

I get up and grab a red handkerchief (used to be white, you know?) and I take it to the kitchen. Thank God, I'm home alone. I grab the lemon juice from the fridge and soak the handkerchief until it can't hold any more, then I rub some salt onto it. After that's done, I just press it to my leg and hiss in anger as the acid gets inside the cuts, burning me like lava.

I deserve it for being stupid.

**You are underground.**

I deserve it for never talking to her when I had the chance.

"_Thanks, Rob."_

I sigh and the handkerchief falls out of my hands.

**This is the water,**

Stupid Beck.

Stupid Cat.

_**Stupid me.**_

**You are now drowning.**


	7. All in frozen Alabaster

**A/N: **So, like.. I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post this.. because I'm a big bundle of impatient. Bundle, I love that word. It makes anything sound adorable.

"Aww, look at that little bundle of poo! Awwww!" Or, worse, "Aww, look at da widdle itty bitty Trypop! Aww, you're just a bundle of adorable, aren't you, Trypop?" I think I'm pretty adorable. C:

...TO THE STORY!

* * *

**NO PLACE LIKE HOME.**

* * *

I hate fate.

I fucking _hate it_.

**There's no..**

Fate is like a sin. It _is_ a sin. It's a haphazard forc that does nothing more than prey on the innocent, and somehow.. somehow, the bad guys always get away with it. They never even get what's coming, like karma says they should. Fate doesn't care what you look like. It doesn't care if you're innocent, it doesn't care if you're stupid, disabled, hell, it doesn't care if you're black or white.

Take me, for example. I've never done a wrong before, and although I'm not the best friend I can be to others, I do an okay job. Same with my dad, he's a cop. He's sweet and he's been on the force 18 years- since I was born. He's done himself justice, enough to give himself a good name. David Vega. He's the most famous cop in this area, and he deserves it.

It was just chance that he was taken from me that night.

I don't know what we did to deserve this, what **I **did to deserve this. I got the call five weeks ago, exactly, and I remembered crying and screaming like a banshee, even though I was home alone. It didn't help anything that I was on my period, and my mom and my sister were off in Fiji for a vacation.

**Yellow bricks to follow back, and run from that disaster.**

Fate has a funny way of popping up when you least expect it.

It'll ruin you all the same, regardless of what you've done. Regardless of your vices, regardless of your virtues. Fate is random. Sometimes it'll come to you, give you a good scare, and leave without too much of a mark. But sometimes, it'll come, press the branding iron to your skin, and **burn**. It'll leave a permanent mark. Sure, you'll heal, eventually, but you'll always have the scar. Most people get over it.

_I'm just one of those unlucky ones that didn't._

.**.**.

"_Is Holly Vega there?"_

"_No.. This is Tori Vega. Who's this?"_

"_I'm sheriff Collins, of the Los Angles police department. Are you David's daughter?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I'm calling to inform you that __your father was.. he was in a horrible accident. He got hit by a train chasing John Wayne Gacy. The only good that came out of this was that Gacy was hit by the train as well. I'm sorry."_

_The phone fell out of my hand._

…

**Familiar sins come crashing in,**

His funeral was last week.

His visitation was the week before.

I spent both locked in my room, crying.

My friends had tried to comfort me, even Jade. They failed. _**I **_**failed**_._

I get up from my bed, the island that has been my home since I got that call five weeks ago.

I walk outside and I see the stars. The stars that me and my dad used to look at, marvel at together. The same stars that I used to share with my dad. I can't help but think that it's **wrong** to keep living so selfishly when his life was taken away from him by force. It's **unfair **that I, having done so much wrong, get to relish this earth while he was ripped away from it against his will, a perfect soul that deserved none of that.

"We said we'd always be there for each other!" I whispered to the sky, tears rolling down my cheek. Broken tears.

"But we're not.. You're **gone**!" I screamed, falling to my knees and beating my fists against the soft soil. I felt so immature, so childish, but so lost. I didn't want to be away from him anymore.

But then, I realised that I didn't have to.

**And sever forever and after.**

I run back inside and fish through the drawers of my kitchen, finding a nice sharp knife that we had just bought last week. I walk outside and sit down, staring up at the stars, then down at the grass.

**My old friend, it's time I leave you here.**

"I said I'd always be there for you," I whispered softly. "And I meant it."

I pushed it down, and I slid the blade so sharply across my arm that I gasped out in pain. Something that looked like a severed wire fell out of the cut- a vein, I assumed. I lay down in the grass, on my back. While I await the peaceful feeling of drowsiness that I hear comes before death, I stare up at the milky way. I know my dad's up there, somewhere.. and I can't wait to see him.

"I love you, daddy."

I whisper, and it sounds so cliché, so childlike, so perfect, and most importantly, so true. I tilt my head towards the sky and cross my arms over my chest.

When they find me, covered in my own blood and cold, they find me with a peaceful smile on my face.

The first smile I've had since he died.


	8. You won't fall to pieces

**A/N: **How many bad minions who don't review can a Trypophobica chuck if a Trypophobica can chuck bad minions who don't review?

_ALL OF THEM._

__Just a life lesson for you, hehehe!

* * *

**PORCELAIN.**

* * *

I find that my eyes are open.. ugh, great. So I didn't die in my sleep. Well, then. I'm just going to go back to sleep now and hope that I do..

I close my eyes and try to sleep. I feel the sandman overtaking me, but he's taking a while and he's not doing a very good job. I open my eyes and I'm facing my alarm clock.

**8:10**

Oh, wait. I have school., and I'm late! Chiz.

I leap out of bed and race to the bathroom, not even bothering to take a piss(my bladder can explode later.). I wash my face and brush my hair as fast as I can. I'm about to do my makeup when my mom calls me from downstairs.

"Jade West, I'm leaving this house in **five minutes**, with _or_ without you!" (That wasn't the smartest thing to say, considering the fact that the only reason we're leaving the house is to drop me off to school. **No**, I don't need my _mommy_ to take me to school everyday, but today my damn car is in the shop.)

Countless profanities stream from my mouth as I fling my numerous makeup containers back on the shelf where they were. I change as quickly as I can into a lose-fitting navy tank top with a silver knife bedazzled into it with red sequins, a pair of fishnet tights and some snug black short-shots. I throw on the closest combat boots I have and decide that I'm in the mood to wear arm-warmers, so I wear a pair that match the tights and slip on the black promise ring that Beck gave me for our one-month anniversary.

I slip on a long-sleeved leather shrug and sling my shoulder bag over my shoulder.

"Jade! Hurry the hell up!"

Oh, mother, how I love thee when thou uses dirty language. I skip downstairs, and on the way down I see my mom waiting for me at the foot of them with a scowl on her face. Just for my pleasure, I take my time going down the stairs, even skipping a little happily.

"Hi, mommy!" I press a kiss to her cheek when I find us face-to-face, and she wraps her arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. I know she's kind of a bitch at first(or overprotective..?), but I love my mom and she's actually really sweet.. just not in the morning. Sound familiar? I lean into the warm embrace then spring away from her as I hear my stomach growl.

"Damn, I need food or I'll be a black hole. Hold on, then we can leave."

I run over to the kitchen, ignoring my mom's hypocritical screams of 'Jade, language!'. I pull a krispy kreme doughnut(Tell anyone I have a sweet tooth, and you won't wake up tomorrow. No pressure.) out of the pantry and dart past her to her car, swiping the keys from her hand as I shoot by.

I'm in the home stretch, I'm almost to the black-and-hot-pink-striped car with a small solid silver horse on the hood parked in our garage before I feel something catch me by the hip. I fall flat on my back and the keys go flying into the air. _Damn it. _I wanted to drive a Ferrari! I was so close..

I hear my mom catch the keys and blow a raspberry at me. I snort.

"Sorry Jadey-lynn, maybe next time!" She giggles teasingly, saying my name in a weird way to piss me off. I can't help but laugh as I chase after her gleefully and leap into the shotgun seat. Even if I'm not driving, Ferraris are pretty cool. The interior of the car was custom-made with baby pink(only my mom, man, only my mom.) tinted leather, a dark(like, almost black, dark) pink floor and everything else is like a sunrise-pink kind of colour. It's actually really pretty and it matches itself despite the weird choices in colour.

I press the button to make the seat lean back and kick up my feet on the dashboard. My mom looks over at me with a fire in her eyes and I immediately put them back down. See, the only person who can actually make me do things without a fight is my mom. I have a weirdly close bond with her, especially considering who I am and everything.

My mom kicks the car into gear and I don't even hear the engine. Oh, the beauty of this car.. She backs out of the garage and we begin our drive.

"Hey, Jade?"

I look over at my mom with question in my eyes. I guess she can kind of read my mind or something, I learned that early on. So when she asks me stuff I don't even answer sometimes 'cause all she needs to do is make eye contact. Speaking of eye contacts, I wear prescription contacts to make my eyes this colour. My actual eye colour is this weird lavender-gray colour.. I remember when I was young I was so panicked about the other kids seeing Jade West with the freak eyes that I practically dragged my mom to the optometrist. I also have really bad vision but I hate wearing glasses, so that's a plus too.

"Why hasn't Kitten come over lately?" Mom's eyes are focused on the road but the corners of her mouth are down. Oh, mom.. See, Cat's my best friend. She isn't as ignorant or ditzy as everyone thinks, and I've known her since we were toddlers- our moms are best friends, too. Since Cat's been little, my mom's called her Kitten- kind of a pet name, I guess.. No pun intended, even though accidental ones are a lot cooler than the ones that're planned.

**You thought by now,**

"Cat?" I ask dumbly, even though we both knew the answer. "Well.. I don't know.." I trail off thoughtfully. It's true that me and Cat haven't been as close lately, but I'd always assumed that it was because she just was too busy. But what if something had happened? She _was_ less random than usual.. And honestly, she's been kind of morbid lately. Like, she talks about death and the afterlife a **lot** more than an ADHD Bipolar should, and I'd thought nothing of it until my mom just asked me that.

**You'd have it figured out.**

"I'll talk to her," I promised, as we pulled up to the Hollywood Arts driveway. "Bye, mommy." Yeah, I call her that. Un-Jade-ish? Yes. But she's been a great mom, so I only call her mom when I'm mad.

"Love you, sweetie!" She pecks me on the cheek and I look at the students walking into the school in the corner of my eye, hoping none of them were seeing this.

Then again, I'm in a fluorescent pink and black ferarri. Kind of hard to go unnoticed.

I hop out of the car and send a wink my mom's way.

"Love you too, _Patricia_." I make a clicking sound with my tongue and watch in amusement as she rolls her eyes. I slam the door shut and walk into the school.

. **. **.

Wow, lunch already? Oh well, I'm hungry anyways.

So, here's the scoop on what happened, shortened to two sentences: During all the classes I have with Cat, I was staring at her with an extreme concentration to see if I could get her to look at me- maybe then I'd learn something about her off behaviour. I didn't.

**You can't erase the way it pulls,**

I walked into the Asphalt Café and see that Cat and the others're sitting at their usual table. Ugh, Vega's , I can go one period with her constant yapping and her annoying smile.. I hope.

I walk over and sit down next to my boyfriend, not even bothering to greet the multitude of losers I call my friends. Well, Beck and Cat and André are okay.. Puppet boy's a freak and Vega's even worse.

I feel his hand sneak up my back and I smile in bliss, a soft squeaking sound involuntarily erupts from my throat and I stiffen. Everybody looks at me like I've sprouted another head except Beck, who leans down and presses a kiss against my forehead, and Cat, who's studying her salad.

"Jade, did you just.." Tori starts. Ugh, I hate that girl.

"Make a _cute_ sound? Like, a really _really_ cute sound?" André finishes, and this time he's the one getting a weird look from everybody, including me.

"Did you just call me cute?" I snarl- well, I don't snarl- I growl, softly, but all the more threatening.

"Did you just call her cute?" Robbie says in his yakkity-yakkity whiny voice. I think I hate his voice more than I hate his puppet, if that's possible. He cringes. I look over and see Cat getting up quietly to leave the table, probably not wanting to be noticed. Tori and André are bickering and I want to kill them both for being such a distraction, so I interrupt them.

**When seasons change,**

"We're going to pretend this never happened." I say quickly, getting up and chasing after Cat. As I'm darting off, I hear both André, Tori and Beck's voices agreeing with me, and roll my eyes at their drabble.

I walk inside the school and take each step slowly, deliberately.

"Cat?" I call hesitantly. No response. I sigh.. Desperate times call for.. _extremely _desperate measures.

**It hurts sometimes to find where you begin.**

"...Kitten?" I call out softly, looking around the colourful hallways. I see a certain redhead poke her head out from behind an island of lockers before she stepped out shyly.

"I love it when you call me that," She purrs quietly, and I walk over to her with my arms wide open. It's a rare occurrence for me to want to hug someone, but Cat's a special case. Also, later on I can use the hug as bribery to get her to tell me what's wrong. She glides over to me with this adorably lost look on her face before throwing herself into my arms.

**But you are perfect porcelain.**

"I know you do, Cat, I know you do." I coo, stroking her hair- well, petting it. Her red hair's really soft, and I can't help but think that Cat would **seriously **make a good Cat, because as I'm delicately petting her crimson locks, her eyes are lidding in pleasure and I swear to God that I can hear her purring.

I don't know what it is with Cat. She does something to me, like a chemical reaction or something. Everytime I'm near her, everything that I've learned over the years.. Don't trust, don't make physical contact, don't let your guard down and most especially don't **trust**, they just all crumble down. But at the same time.. I've also learned another thing: that I **can** trust Cat. She's really sweet and honestly, even if her brother's a little loopy(well, ADHD does that to people), she has a really caring family and I know she deserves it. She's also really pretty, not sexy-pretty, but more of a sweet, overwhelming innocence, down to earth-pretty. Don't get me wrong, she's cute, but I don't swing that way.

I'm about to ask her what's been eating her lately when I hear two antagonising voices calling our names, and the schools back door swings open.

"Jade! Cat! We found you!"

Ugh, kill me now!

Wait, no. Let me rephrase that.

Kill **them** now!

. **. **.

Ugh, finally. School's ended. Now I can force Cat to take me home with her. Or better yet..

I see a whip of red hair go by and I follow the sight of it, ducking behind anything I can- trash cans, lockers, hell, I even hid behind Tori before Cat left the building.

**The slow and simple melody of tears you cannot keep from me..**

"Uh.. Jade?" I smack her on the posterior lightly before continuing on my way, hearing her mutter 'That was weird..' behind me. I turn around, not stopping my velocity, and see a huge blush on her face.

Oh, right. Cat. Excuse my ADD.

I follow her out into the parking lot and she unlocks her car. I sprint across the parking lot and make it just in time- I open the door at the exact same moment she does and close it the same way. I dart across the car and hid behind her seat, making sure the oblivious redhead couldn't see me. I hug my knees to my chest and breathe as quietly as I can, but the anxiety and added stress of trying not to makes it difficult.

I let my mind wander while we're driving. Why's Cat been so upset lately? Today, during our class with Sikowitz, or as I've affectionately dubbed him, 'Psycho'-witz, we'd done that stupid 'Alphabet Acting' crap that he always bestowed upon us at the most random tim- wait, did I just say bestow? Jesus, I've been hanging out with Beck too long, his old-people movie words are rubbing off on me.

. **. **.

Tori was the leader, and naturally in a fit of not-spontaneous niceness that made me want to barf up blood, she picked me, Beck, Cat and André to go up with her. Me because she likes to suck up to me, Cat because she's like Tori's pet/follower, Beck because she probably knew that I wouldn't go up without him and André because she obviously has the hots for him, or it's the other way around and this whole time she's been teasing poor Harris. Anywhore, I walked up there, stomping my combat boots against the ground hard enough to shake a powder trail of silver dust behind me and a scowl on my face. I made it clear I didn't want to be here.

"Jade, don't be such a gank." Siko-wit-less says, and I roll my eyes. "André! You begin with the letter P. As in for urine." The crazy old bat says, then pauses. "Begin!"

"Please go to the store for me!" André cries out, looking at Tori in a begging fashion. I roll my eyes, he's a crappy actor.

"Quit whining, I'll go tomorrow." The douche beside him responds, almost instantaneously. She has near-mediocre acting skills, I'll admit..

"Retch. That, is what I want to do while I unwillingly witness the sexual tension between you two." I belt out in frustration, hoping to piss them off. It worked!

"Shut the hell up!" Tori cries exasperatedly, and Cat- sweet, innocent Cat who I'd forgotten was here this whole time jumps in.

"Tori, that's dirty." She mumbles quietly and I can immediately tell that there's something very, very off about her. She wasn't even being bipolar.. or overreacting..? I had to get to the bottom of this.

"Uranus is the planet I want to send you to!" I screamed in Tori's face- hell, I wasn't even paying attention to her. I was just belting out random yet appropriate insults as responses, and that went on until..

"Beck is a poor man for having to deal with you."

"Cat, what's **wrong **with you?" I yell at the redhead in frustration, making her and everybody else flinch in surprise, even Psychowitz.

"Don't yell at me!" She screams back, hiding behind Beck, who I just realised hasn't said one word since we got onto this damn stage.

**It's alright if you don't know what you need.**

"Even **you** have limits, Jade." Beck says with this fatherly scolding type voice, and he looks me dead in the eyes. I sigh.

"Forgot that. Um.. What's been eating you lately?"

"Got a better place to talk about her personal life?" Tori asks sarcastically, gesturing to all the students in the classroom who were watching on the edge of their seats. I growl.

"Hatred doesn't even describe how I feel about you, you nosy Gank!" I yell at her.

"I thought I heard something, did you, André?"

"Don't drag me in here, Tori!" André cries, and then Sikowitz says something about him being out and André sighs(in relief, knowing him) and stalks off stage.

"Forget him. Cat, we're going to talk. Not now, later. But don't even **think** about running away from it because I'm watching." My gaze bores into hers and I know she gets the magnitude of what I'm saying.

**I'm right here, when you need someone to _see_.**

"Go.. go away." Tori tries, but I shove her aside as I walk over to Cat.

"Honey," I feel my voice drop to a whisper. "I care about you, okay?" I brush some red hair out of her face and get a good glimpse of it for the first time in a while. Her eyes are saggy and have a light pink tint to them, the irises look hollow and sad. Her cheeks are pale instead of their usual rosy colour, and now that I think about it, her skin felt kind of rough, too..

"Just don't leave me.." Cat whimpers, and it makes me crack. I look around because I don't want to show her any affection in front of other people, so instead I lean forward and whisper in Cat's ear,

"We'll finish this later, mmkay?"

**It's _not_ speak, or forever hold your peace.**

. **. **.

And so, here I am. Chilling like a stowaway in the back of Cat Valentine's car, unbeknownst to her. I fiddle with my thumbs in boredom and let out a quiet squeak when the car jerks to a stop suddenly. My hands fly up to my mouth and I peer around the driver's seat to see if Cat's still there.

I hear her door open and close, then I hear my door open.

"Out, Jade." My eyelids fly upwards in surprise.

"Damn, Cat, how'd you know?!" I snarl playfully, but we both know I'm just grumpy that playing 'spy' didn't turn out well for me.

Her searching gaze bores into mine and I sigh, getting up and hopping out of the car. She looks at me and I can just see the sadness in her eyes.. I want to hug her close, but I'm Jade West. So instead I huff and walk over to her front door, grabbing the spare key from the small fuse box near the ground and opening it.

I stroll inside and Cat looks like she's about to pounce on me for 'breaking and entering'. I giggle as she begins to cross towards me, and just before she reaches me I sprint up the stairs and into her living room.

I'm immediately greeted by a sad sight. The living room used to have these nice yellow lamps, but I look up and I see that the lights are now built-in to the celling, and they give off this unnatural white glow to the room. The couches seem to have been rearranged, and something else is off, but I can't seem to figure out what it is.

That is, until I hear it.

**It's alright to take time,**

"_Jadey-lynn.. lynn.." _I hear a sad tweeting, a quiet tweeting coming from the corner of the room and I'm crossing over when I see Cat standing there, watching me in the corner of my eye.

I walk over to the two hanging bird cages and I immediately notice that one of them is empty.

"_Lynn.. ee.._" Cat's lovebird is swinging sadly on a perch in her cage, tweeting a song I know all too well: _River Flows in You_ by Yurima.

"Cat.. have you played with Hana lately?" I ask softly. I can't see it, but I know she's shaking her head with a look of immense guilt in her eyes.

**And find out where you've been.**

Knowing this, I tentatively reach through the dome-shaped cage's door and make my hand into a tightly closed shape, extending all my fingers and holding them together. I see the peach-faced green lovebird look up at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.. eyes I know are mourning for a lost companion. The lovebird tentatively steps up onto my extended hand and I gently draw it back, and I hear,

"_I miss Peanut, mom..." _Hanalei chirrups.

I look over at Cat, who obviously was the source of that quote. I put things into Cat's perspective. Peanut had been born two days after she had, and he'd stayed with her a good deal of time. Peanut was practically a little brother to Cat and he had always looked out for her, even if he never snuggled with her and stuff. I remember once I tried to make Cat watch a horror movie with me, and Peanut flew out of his cage and pecked me on the head. He was always so protective of her. Another time, Beck and Tori and I came over and Tori tried to pet him, but he bit her so hard she bled. Another reason I loved him just as much as Cat did, heh heh.

"Do you miss him?" I asked. I wanted to know why he wasn't here anymore, but Cat would tell me what she wanted to.

"Yes," She breathes sadly, crossing the room and slumping on the couch. I lift my hand to collar-bone level and I feel the pressure of small feet shift from my fingertip to my left shoulder. I let my hand fall to my side and I join her, slinging a comforting arm over her shoulder.

Then the crying started.

She leaned into me and buried her face in the crook of my neck, and I could feel the silent sobs as they racked her body, threatening to tear her apart.

"I miss him so much, Jade!" She sobbed into my shoulder, and I could just feel the snot and tears as my shirt soaked them up. _It's for Cat. It's for Cat._

I rubbed my hands along her back, pulling her as close as our bodies would allow. I placed her head on my chest(not the chest you're thinking of) and took deep breaths, hoping she would hear my heartbeat. Slowly but surely, her cries died down and she calmed down some, but her breathing was still shaky.

"Will you stay, Jade?" She looks up with those so gosh darn innocent brown eyes and how can I reject her, right?

"Yes, Kitten." I stroke her hair.

"I'll stay."

**You are perfect _porcelain_.  
**

* * *

**A/N: **If you don't want to be chucked, I suggest you review.

No pressure, after all.

So, anyway, I decided that I want to be interactive with my reviewers! By the way, you **can** request songs for me to use, haha, I have no idea why no one's doing it.

Your question for the day is.. _**Have you ever had a pet parrot? If so, what kind? If not, would you want to?**_


	9. With all the aches and pains

**A/N: **Wow, time's flying! 12 fics left!

I went to some chicks house last night, and a little kid came and stole my watch. :\ I hate children.

No, I love children.

No, I hate them.

…

I like fireworks.

I DONT EVEN LIKE ONESHOTS WHY DO I KEEP WRITING THEM

* * *

**BREATHE.**

* * *

So, this is how it ends, huh?

**Harness your heart, and be still now.**

Lived a sinner, die a sinner? There's a saying that would fit this situation perfectly right now.. Sadly, I can't remember what it is. I'm more focused on not dying, but I think the effort's futile.

I guess if I had known she'd been hurting because of me, I would have said sorry. But I can't now, and we both had to pay.

I can't because there's a steady stream of blood running from my mouth and a bullet in my lower cheek.

I can feel the havoc rising in the school, people screaming our names. I realise that they're chanting mine more than hers.. Even if it's in my favor, that's not fair. I try to get up and fall down with a gasp as I hear something break.

There go my ribs.

Tori.. she's screaming something in my ear. I'm not bothered to listen, I just want to die in peace. But as she gets closer to my ear, I'm forced to hear what she's saying.

**Quiet that mind that will wander,**

"Stay with me, Beck. I'm so sorry this happened.. I don't think she meant to. I _really_ don't. Stay awake, Beck." I feel a kiss pressed to my lips and I would have flinched, had I any energy at the moment.

"_Please._" I hear her whisper with a cracked voice, and then like that, she was gone. I didn't see her go, of course, but I felt the air beside me become empty and cold.

No, don't leave..

**All sorts of dark alleys.**

. **. **.

_You were happily walking to her first class when, just as you pass the Janitor's closet, a pale hand shoots out and grabs you by the wrist, dragging you inside with brute force._

"_Hey!" You squeak, dusting yourself off. "I have to go to my Special Effects cl..Jade? What's wrong?"_

_She looks at you and you can't tell what's wrong, but you know whatever it Is, it's **very, **_**very **_wrong, because she hasn't said anything yet. It's not a Jade-like thing to see you and.. _not _insult you, you know? You bite your lip and something flashes around her sleeve area. You hesitantly step forward, and she steps back in turn._

"_Jade, why am I here?" You ask hesitantly, taking another step forward. She backs into a corner. You take two more steps forward- one more and your bodies would be touching._

**Tragedy strikes your self-esteem,**

"_T..Tori.." She says, and you can't help but pity her. Poor thing, she must feel horrible if she brought the girl she hates into this. You take another step and you can feel your chests brushing. You gently grab her wrist and pull down the long jacket sleeve, revealing more words than in a dictionary sliced into her skin. You gasp as you see your own name in there, the word **hate** and Beck's name._

"_Jade, did you.. did you break up with Beck again?" Jade nods her head and bites her lip, averting her gaze to the ground._

**Constantly waiting for an ending,**

"_But that's not it." Jade says quietly._

"_Then what's wrong?"_

**To _all of this._**

_Jade hands you a small pill bottle. It says 'Paxil' on it._

"_Jade, why do you have this?"_

**She opens her eyes.**

"_They diagnosed me with manic depression last week." She finally says. "I'm not **crazy**, Tori!" She cries, her voice breaking._

"_I broke up with Beck because I don't want him to think I'm crazy!" She breaks down sobbing, burying her face in her hands._

**Suddenly she cries.**

_Jade was **crying.. **it was serious, then. You pull her hair behind her ears and wait it out, thinking while you do so._

_Jade was a little mean, yeah, but depression? It just didn't seem like a Jade thing. Why did she have it, and why was she only worsening her case by breaking up with Beck?_

**Can we help her?**

"_Jade, shh." You croon, petting her head delicately. "Shh, it's okay. It's okay. I'm sure he'd understand." Jade shakes her head violently._

"_No! He **wouldn't**!" She screams, and you jump backwards as if she's on fire. "He used to have a brother, you know that?" No, you actually didn't know that. _

_**Can we help her?**_

"_What happened to him?" You ask quietly, but you're afraid to find out._

"_He's in a mental ward for depression." She finishes, and you're honestly surprised. "They didn't even try to take care of him. They just dumped him with the government."_

"_How do you know?" You ask hesitantly._

"_I saw some papers.." She says with finality, not wanting to describe anything in detail, you think._

**And she replies,**

"_J-Jade." You begin slowly, and she looks at you with confusion and **fear** in her eyes. "You don't act depressed. How could you be depressed?"_

_She looks you straight in the eye, and what she says next shocks you to the core._

"_I'm an **actress**, Tori. My.. my whole life is a show, and I'm the lead role. You guys are just the audience, and my job is to make you believe everything.." She gulps."Everything I do, and everything I say."_

"_**I fake it so well, that God himself can't tell."**_

_You sit there in stunned silence. So, basically, Jade's whole existence is a lie._

"_But.. but why?"_

**What I mean, and why my words are less than parallel with my feet.**

"_I don't know what to do! I know Beck's going to be better off without my unstable ass," You don't even flinch at the profanity._

**You ask me what I need, but all I really need..**

"_But I miss him! And I want him ba-" Jade gasps, and her eyes are on something behind you. You turn around to see Beck standing in the doorway with an irritated hand on his hip._

"_So that's how it is, huh, Jade?" He says with malice. "Complain to Tori instead of tell me outright what's wrong?" He continues, and his lips are curling up with a snarl. "Well, I'm not getting back with you even if you threaten to **kill me** if I don't."_

_. **. **._

I honestly did **not** think she would bring a revolver to school the next day. I didn't think that she would shoot me when I said I was a man of my word, and it was even worse when she shot herself.

Now I realise that my idiocy is what landed us at the gates of God.

If I had just respected her and not flipped out like that, neither of us would be dying. If I had just given her her space and then talked to her after she calmed down, like a **normal person**, we wouldn't be in this situation.

I realise that her actions were justified now. Because instead of letting her breathe, I choked her. I choked her when she obviously wasn't ready to hold her breath. Next time, I need to remember to let her **breathe.. **or else this happens.

**Is to breathe.**

* * *

**A/N: **Yay, breathing! It's like, respiratory functions!


	10. Outside sitting in the rain

**A/N: **Uh, yeah. Here's your stories for the next four days. Sorry, I couldn't resist. :P

Hey.

I want to sing a song.

ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH

THE BLACK WIDOW CHASED THE WHITE ONE

THERE WAS A RACIST UNDERTONE THERE

I LIED, THE END

Did you like it? It took me about three weeks to write each line.

* * *

**POUR ME OUT.**

* * *

My eyes fly open and my breath hitches when I see who's laying next to me.

I swear to God that it was a dream. He was **not** in my bed. He wasn't.

**Wake up in the morning, it's not so bad.**

I pull down my sleeve, revealing numerous red cuts and scratches, and I pinch myself. _Wake up, Tori. Damn it, wake up!_ I pinch my arm until it draws blood. Great, not only is this actually happening, I'm now squirting blood all over him. Peaches and cream. Really.

I sit up and try to contain the blood on my wrist when he stirs. I instantaneously(by instinct, really) pull up my sleeve.

**I can taste you on my lips, and it makes me sad.**

"Hey, Tori." He freezes.

"Tori?" He seems to realise what just happened too, and his facial expression mirrors how I'm feeling quite well.

"Hey, André." I begin quietly. "Did that really happen?" André nods, and I can see he's freaking out a lot. Then again, so am I. I see him wringing his hands together and he sits up, revealing.. well, more than I wanted to see.

"André. Go put on some pants." I command, and he blushes. Aw, cute. Wait, what? I turn away as he gets up, because I've already seen one half- don't need to see the other. I put on my own pyjama pants because even if I'm wearing boyshorts, you can never have enough cover, hah.

"Done." I hear him gasp and I giggle, turning around to see he's having trouble pulling up his pants. At least he was wearing boxers. I reach forward to dust some lint off his shirt. His eyes wander down and I see he's staring at a red spot on my sleeve.

"Tori, you got some blood on your arm." He grabs it and I protest as vehemently as I can, but he takes me to the bathroom and lowers my sleeve to reveal... some very deep cuts. His eyes widen and he's staring at my arm with this doe-eyed look on his face. I bite my lip and retract my arm, or try to, because he grabs it and shakes his head at me.

"Tori. Where else?" I shake my head with tears in my eyes, pulling the blue sleeve back up to cover my wrist.

"André." I state quietly.

"Tell me, Tori!" I flinch at his straightforwardness, but I pull down my pyjama pants(no, you perverts.) to reveal a multitude of fresher, redder cuts on my thighs. Probably two days old at the most. André runs his hand along the inside of my thigh and I can feel the bumps of the scar tissue as his hand cruises over them, and I shiver from the contact.

"Tori.." He says so quietly I'm not even sure if I actually heard it.

"I can't do this." He says, pushing past me.

"André.. Wait!" I chase after him, but he slams my room door behind him.

**There's a part of me that just wants you back.**

Shit.

I sit down on my bed and wonder what's going to happen next. Who's he going to tell? Does he even care? Or is he just creeped out? I sigh and curl up on my bed, humming 'I'm a little teapot' to myself.

**You're the one thing I want, that I never did have.**

And even though he's been gone maybe two minutes, I can't help but think of how much I miss André.

* * *

**A/N: **Can you tell how much I don't care anymore? XD Like, seriously.. that's like 600 words.

ME NO CURR. NO1CURR, ACTUALLY.

Now.. Go to FlorMorada's page on FF. Open her story Cat Valentine: My Life.

And then.. review.

You don't even have to read it.

(but it helps if you do.)


	11. Words tattooed in her veins

**A/N: **You're all bad minions for not reviewing. I mean, really. You're** bad minions**. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

**Disclaimer because I feel like it: **I own Victorious, which is why instead of bringing my works to life, I'm here in my room, by myself, writing FanFiction about it.

* * *

**MONSTER.**

* * *

_If you were unwise enough to venture into the humid and freezing cold of Los Angles' rainy season, you would see no more than 10 feet in front of you- the rain was that thick. Fat black clouds over casted the sun, blocking the happy rays from entering and casting an angry darkness over the golden city._

_If you were looney in the head, instead of going somewhere important and/or sheltered, you would go to the park. Despite the heavy rain, firecracking of thunder and the dramatic light shows of lightning, you'd come with your love or closest friend to the park. It was a tradition for all high schoolers in LA- if it's rainy and it's dark, take your best friend to the park. It was weird, yes, but you had to remember that it was LA._

_Anywhom, the park in question right now was Griffith Park, a small park that was near Hollywood Arts high school- a fifteen minute walk. If you walked by, you would hear the sound of feet splashing in puddles, a girl's giggling, and a guys laughing._

_The girl was getting the guy even more wet than he already was, kicking up water and spraying it towards him. He was running away from her and she chased after him, her brown hair streaming out behind her like a flag._

"_I'm gonna get you!" She laughed, gaining speed and catching up to him. He turned around and although she was unable to stop, he caught her. She looked into his eyes with an innocent glint in them, then the innocence disappeared. Just like that, it was gone, and suddenly her seafoam eyes darkened with lust. She leaned forward slowly, and he noticed her lips pursing a bit. Oh my God, she's going to kiss me._

_He closed his eyes and leaned forward as well before he felt a peck on his nose._

"_Damn it, Jade!" He cried playfully, chasing after him with his arms outstretched to catch her. She spun mid-run and kicked up water at him, sending the cold droplets into his eyes._

"_Hey, stop!" He cried feebly, and she lowered her foot to peer at him with curiosity and guilt in her eyes._

_She screamed in surprise when he tackled her, sending them both flying to the mulch-laden ground. They were still giggling madly, a pile of tangled limbs and smiling faces._

"_That's why you don't let your guard down," He whispered into her ear with a smile on his face. His eyes scanned her every crevice and detail- from her placid blue-green eyes to her wavy brown hair, to her amazing figure and her ice-pale skin. He wanted it, he wanted all of her._

_He looked down on her from his spot on top, and it was his own eyes that went dark with lust. He leaned down and kissed her, a soft, gentle kiss that left his mind reeling._

"_B-Beck.." She looked shocked, but he paid it no heed. "I.. What about Tori?" He just shook his head and leaned back down, pressing his lips against hers. She pushed against his chest as hard as she could, but nothing shook him off._

_Oh, God, he wanted **all of her**._

_So he** took** all of her._

**That night, he caged her.**

_Screw Tori, he'd just break up with her tomorrow. The kisses escalated- not just on her lips now, but **everywhere**. His hands ran up and down her sides, up her shirt and up her skirt._

**Bruised and broke her.**

_The kisses slowly turned into bites and the whole time she was resisting, trying to free herself from his vices. She was too weak, however. His body rocked against hers, pinning her to the ground and she knew she couldn't do a damn thing about it. But she still fought._

**He struggled closer,**

_She felt him pulling down her skirt, pulling up her shirt and unclasping her bra. She was crying, she could feel the hot tears and adrenaline was pulsing through her ears, making her head hurt and her whole body hurt._

**Then he _stole her._**

_Soon, she was naked. He had tied her wrists together and she couldn't move.. She couldn't. She was dully aware of his.. she.. oh my God. She closed her eyes and counted to fifty. She told herself she was _not_ being raped, she was in Hollywood Arts performing Clowns Don't Bounce. Yep, that's it. One, two, three, four.._

**Violent wrists, and then her ankles, silent pain.**

_Twentey-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine.._

_By the time she's done counting, he was gone, leaving only a dull pain between her legs and her clothes on the ground._

. **.** .

"Why do you wear black so much?" Cat asks, looking at you with interest and curiosity in her eyes.

"That's the dumbest question I've ever heard." You dodge the question and try not to be **too** defensive about it.

"But Jade, you used to wear colourful things and your hair used to be brown," Cat says, her brown eyes boring into you. How are you supposed to lie to **that** face? "Then the next day you just came in and you were really mean and wearing black." Cat's eyes lit up with realisation, and you cringe. Of all the times Cat had to be _smart_, why now?

"Did something happen?"

Yes, something happened. You'd had a date with Beck that ended up being your first kiss and your first time, and neither of them weren't against your will. You don't notice the tears until Cat points them out- as ignorant as she is, the redhead knows what she's talking about.

"Jade, you're crying!" She gasps, and you bite your tongue to keep from hurting her feelings. "Something **did** happen!"

You seriously consider telling her the truth- as stupid as she is, she'd probably be able to take it. You trust her, and you're sure she wouldn't tell anyone- not that anyone would believe her.

You wanted to tell her so badly. You wanted **someone **to know that you weren't just mean, you were broken and that you weren't just that shallow goth bitch, you were a girl who'd had her virginity ripped away from her two days after her sixteenth birthday. Nobody knew the _real _reason that you and Beck avoided each other now. It wasn't old feelings, it wasn't jealousy or remorse. It was _fear. _You were a girl who hated boys, _hated _boys, and everybody knew it- but nobody knew why. You **seriously** consider telling her. After a long pause, you say,

"No, Cat. Nothing happened."

* * *

**A/N: **It's liek, so sadnezz.

suhniff. suhniff. so sadnezz.

my gawd, da sadnuss. so muich sadnuss.

ooohhhh gudniss. sadnuss. imma crai. imma crai frum duh sadnuss. oh gudniss.

ohhhh **gudniss**, duh _sadnuss_.


	12. You're tired of the pain

**A/N: **Hehe, so there's this awesome show with British speaking animals in it, and it's called '64 Zoo Lane' and it's got a MEXICAN JAGUAR.

A MEXICAN JAGUAR.

It's freaking amazing.

* * *

**PROVE YOU WRONG.**

* * *

Toss, turn.

Toss, turn.

Turn, toss.

Insomnia was a never ending cycle, was it not?

He turned this way; flipped back over. Tried this position, nope, too uncomfortable. Surprisingly, the sleeping pills he had taken had helped him null; and he was honestly getting sick of being tired.

His grandma was off at her late-night therapist appointment again, and he was just.. Ugh. Words couldn't even describe his state of mind right now. His brain was groggy and it seemed as if a haze so thick you could cut it with a knife had settled in his thoughts. He was tired and he couldn't concentrate on anything, as much as he wanted to. Although at the same time, he didn't even _want_ to be asleep. And he didn't have to! It was, after all, Friday..

He hopped out of bed and paused to let his eyes adjust to the darkness, and his brain to clear up. He then began the long walk across his very rectangular room when, as if by fate, he heard a loud _Ding-Dong._

_Must be Grandma back from therapy._ He thinks, getting on his way downstairs. He rushed to the door as it _Ding-Dong_ed again.

"Hold your chiz, I'm coming!" He said, making his way to the door with clean strides.

He opens the door and a flurry of black, white and ocean blue whizz past him. He looks around and sees none other but the last person he wanted to see making her way to the couch.

"Jade?"

She didn't respond, instead sat down and buried her face in her hands. He looked over at her questioningly, closing the door behind him and padded over to her. The boy looked at her curiously, unsure of weather or not he was allowed to touch her. When she scooted towards him with her face still buried in her own hands, he took the hint and wrapped an arm around her. He felt her body quivering and quaking and shivering and shaking and he couldn't help himself.

**You're the girl with a real nice smile,**

"Jade." Wow, had he really said that? He sounded so cold.. She flinched and he shook his head in denial. "That wasn't how it was supposed to come out. Jade, look at me." He tipped her head up and saw that her eyes were stained with tears, but they had a.. a sort of _beautiful disaster_ look to them. She was a beautiful disaster.

**But a broken heart inside.**

She made a squeaking sound and he bit his lip, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear tentatively, afraid she'd punch him or something. She stared into his eyes quietly, every so often her gaze flicked away to something more interesting and less.. awkward.

**Gave it to a boy,**

"I.. I broke up with him.." She said finally. He wasn't surprised, why else would she be here, in tears, at _his_ house?

"He **cheated on me**!"

**Gave it to a boy, and I think he lost his mind.**

She began to cry again, and he wrapped her in his arms. She stiffened at the contact and he wondered weather that had been the right thing to do or not before her whole frame just went limp in his grasp. He wondered how Beck, his right-hand man and best friend since 4th grade, would ever cheat on his girlfriend, and not tell him about it. The next thing that Jade said shocked him.

"With _**Tori**_!" Wow.. Wow. His two best friends were cheating on Jade? Well, they weren't his best friends any longer, he knew that for sure. He knew that she was seriously devastated, because she hadn't called her 'Vega'. He rubbed her back as comfortingly as he could.

She turned and laced her arms around his neck and hugged him as tightly as she could, sobbing into his dreadlocks.

**Are you giving up and done, are you through with all this?**

"I'm never.." She coughed violently. "I'm **never** going to love a guy again! Never!" Her sobs got turbulent, and he found her clinging to him.

**Are you tired of the pain?**

"Shh.. sh.." He gently removed the dark girl from himself and carefully laid down on the couch so that she was laying on top of him. She had a weak questioning in her eyes and he ignored it. Instead, he put her head on his chest and breathed evenly, humming a quiet tune into her ears. After a while, the crying stopped, and he leaned up a little bit to look at her.

**Torn to pieces. **

She looked fast asleep. So carefully and slowly, he pulled out from under her and picked her up bridal style, marching up the stairs to his room. He laid her on the bed and pulled his astronaut duvet over her.

Quietly he went over to the closet and pulled out a spare pillow. It didn't have a case on it, but oh well. He put it on the ground by Jade's side of the bed and rested his head on it.

Somehow, André didn't have a problem sleeping that night.

.** .** .

His eyes snapped open in the morning to a dreadful noise coming from the kitchen.

"André! André! There's a kidnapper! Go away! Go away!"

He sat upright and ran downstairs to see his grandma hitting Jade with a broom near the front door. The sight would have made him laugh, if Jade hadn't actually been screaming with pain.

"Ow! Ms. Harris! Ow! Jeez, sto- Ow!"

André bolted over and restrained his grandma, gently petting her head and murmuring in her ear, "It' okay, grandma. It's okay. She's just a friend. Go back to the kitchen." So she did, mumbling something about him being friends with crazies. Truth be told, she wasn't far off.

"Jade, listen." He began, trying to be as calm as he could before his emotions went awry, as they usually did.

"André, none of this ever happened." Jade said, and André could practically feel the pain that was emanating from the girl. As Jade opened the front door, André grabbed her elbow and without even knowing what he was doing, he spun her around and looked into her seafoam eyes.

He could see fear in them.

"Don't be scared," He whispered. "I.. I wouldn't.." What was he saying?! He did **not** still have a crush on Jade West. He didn't!

"I'd never hurt you." He said with finality, then pulled his hands over his mouth to shut himself up anymore. Jade's sharp gaze had softened, and she tilted her head.

"At least let me try." André begged, pulling his hands away from his mouth. He saw a smirk playing on her lips. She thought his emotional humiliation was funny? He didn't realise it, but his gaze had gone from desperate to glaring daggers at her and she actually looked taken aback.

**Can you let me try?**

"André Harris, Tori told me you'd gotten over your little crush on me." Jade giggled- She **actually **_**giggled**_. It was a welcome sound, and as foreign as it was, André liked it. A lot. He shrugged and grabbed her arms, spinning her like a marionette dancer and whispering into her ear as seductively as he could manage,

"So, will you let me try?" He felt her nod.

**Show you how it feels like, what it feels like.**

"I don't really 'like' you that way, though." Jade says, and he can feel her head tilt. "But I bet I'd end up liking you more than I like Beck. But you've gotta _commit_, Harris!" She says with her usual Jade snide.

**To be hugged, to be kissed, yes, I can be that part of you.**

He chuckled and pressed a kiss to her neck.

"**I'll try my best."**

* * *

**A/N: **O lawdy, I hate happy endings. -_-

This is baby fluff. I hate baby fluff.


	13. Who'd have thought?

**A/N: **So..

You all suck for not reviewing. Because now, I _have_ to kill Flormorada. B[ YOU'RE MAKING ME KILL MY FRIEND HERE, PEOPLE. By the way, every chapter before this rhymes. Jus' saying. I was going to make the chapters a really long poem, but I gave up. xD

* * *

**TIMING IS EVERYTHING.**

* * *

_Just put one foot in front of the other. Just put one foot in front of the other._ You tell yourself as you stride into the school. _**Your**_ school. It's your first day here, and being a new student attracts a lot of attention. Well, so does wearing nothing but black. Still, you don't want to attract any **more **attention than you're already getting. You dare to look up an inch and you immediately wish you hadn't. All eyes are on you... great first day so far.

You approach your locker, which looks bland and boring in comparison to the colourful, personalised ones around it. You hastily pull the slip of paper with your locker combination on it to eye-level, holding it in your left hand as you try to unscramble the strange lock with your right.

You groan loudly in frustration, causing another chorus of looks, glares and stares from the students around you. You can't help but glare back at them- you can feel you're doing what your dad calls 'the soul stare', where you purse your lips into a tight line and your pupils dilate into angry slits. Suddenly, every student found the floor interesting to look at. You smile in contentment and put your first books into your locker, along with your wallet- these guys **were** from LA, after all.. you didn't want to get anything stolen.

You hear murmuring from behind you and whip around, your brown hair flowing behind you like a flag, and yell, "I can **hear **you!"

Everybody goes silent. You grin and let out a small Lucifer chuckle, slamming your locker shut and turning around. Your body slams into something and you look up to see a tanned face three inches away from yours. You stare into his brown eyes and hope he'll budge, but he doesn't. He looks **so familiar** and you don't know why.. **yet**. He runs his hand through his black hair and sends a playful yet sheepish smirk your way, and you can feel a stirring inside of you. Since when do you have feelings?

"I'm sorry.. I.. uh.." You want to kill yourself, or at least kick yourself for not being able to talk like a normal person. You can feel your face becoming hot and despite the five pounds of foundation you were wearing, you know your face is bright red. You realise that you're pushed up against him and your eyes are locked on his and you're paralysed. You can't move a muscle and you're just sitting there like a clam with your mouth agape and your hair tickling your face.

**There I was,**

Next thing you know, there's a hand brushing the hair on your face to the side, then thick but delicate fingers pull it behind your ear. The whole time you're just body-to-body and your eyes are like magnets, neither person is looking anywhere else but each other and you can feel this unseen force pulling you towards him. His eyes are glowing with an emotion you can't read, but you see he's leaning down towards you.

**None the wiser.**

You close your eyes right after you see him close his, and you lean upwards on your tip-toes one more inch before you feel a soft pair of lips on your own. You **know** your hands must have a mind of their own, because they're snaking up his neck and clasping around it like a lock, and you can feel his hands on your waist. Oh, God, you've _never_ kissed someone and had it feel like this before. You lean forward and try to capture his tongue in your mouth, but suddenly it seems you both realised what you were doing. Shit.

**Both of us,**

You pull away from him and you know your eyes are full of shock, because so are his. You're blushing like a tomato now and you're so humiliated, you look around and you see every student in the room is staring at you- not him, **you** and you can feel your eyes getting misty. Oh no, oh no.. _I can't cry on my __first day. _You think. _I can't! _

**Different trajectories.**

"I'll get out of your way now." You duck away from him and try to speed off, but you feel an arm hook you by the elbow and you turn around to see that he's got your arm in his gentle but firm vices.

"Wait!" He says, and for a second you think he sounds really desperate. But it's gone now, and it's replaced with a cross between passion and affection..

**Who'd have thought,**

He kisses you again, a soft kiss that leaves your lips tingling and wanting more. You lean forward and press your foreheads together, and your lips smash against each other with cute little sucking sounds that for some reason sound disgusting and attractive at the same time.. You grab a fistful of his hair and tilt your head just slightly, running your upper teeth against his bottom lip and _tugging_.

By the time you've pulled away, you can hear murmurs from behind you and somebody named Beck. Beck, Beck, Beck..

"_Hi!" You stare at the wavy-haired boy that approached you. _

"_Um, Hi?"_

"_Can I swing with you?" You just wanted some alone time right now, your parents just fought for the last time and they were getting a divorce. But the little boy looks kind of sad, too, so you sigh and pat the swing next to you._

"_Okay."_

"_What's your name?" The seemingly oblivious boy questions, pulling himself back in the swing and then pushing off gracefully._

"_I'm Jade."_

"_Hi Jade! I'm Beck!" You can't help but eye him curiously out of the corner of your eye._

"_What grade are you in?" He says, as if you guys weren't all called for an open house in a small kindergarten school._

"_I'm in kindergarten." You say slowly._

"_Me too! Are you in Ms. Samlinson's class?"_

"_Yeah! Are you?"_

"_Yeah. Beck?"_

"_Yeah, Jade?"_

"_I like you."_

"_I like you too."_

You stare into his brown eyes and you immediately recognise them. _Oh, fate. What funny things you do.. _You think with a smirk, and he returns it- still as oblivious as ever.

**We'd be right here,**

"Hello, _Beck._" You say slowly, cocking your head to one side and lidding your eyes in what you hoped was a seductive way.

"How do you know my name?" He asks and you just roll your eyes and clear your throat, and in the most childlike voice you can muster, you say, "_I like you._" His eyes fly open with epiphany and he's grinning like an idiot now.

"Jade!" Aw, he's turning red. That's funny. He leans in to hug you and you accept, wrapping your arms around his neck before hopping away.

"Who would've thought we'd cross paths again?" Beck says and you look around you. The students, mostly girls for some reason, are staring at you with doe eyes at this point and you bite your lip, looking at the floor shyly. You feel his arm around your waist and you hear his voice above your head.

"Girls.."

"Yes, Becky?" Chorus what must be a hundred dumb bimbos.

"Can you give us some privacy.." You feel a hand stroking your hair and smile, but still don't dare to look up.

"Okay, Becky!"

"..."

"Now, please?" You hear a shuffling sound of a hundred high-heel clad feet walking away

**In this spot?**

"Beck, how'd you end up here from **North Carolina**?" You ask, grinning so much your cheeks are burning.

"We'll discuss that later." His lips crash against yours and your heart flutters a bit, and you can't help but pull away again.

"I.. I like you." You say with a shaky voice, and he just kisses you again.

**Timing is everything.**

"I like you too." He says matter-of-factly, and your lips collide once more. Despite this rushed reconciliation, you welcome the feeling of his lips on your own once more and you kiss until you're out of breath and, by this point in time, late to your first class. Some first day of school, huh?

"You had great timing, bumping into me like that." He jokes, and you feel that familiar blush creeping up your spine again. You kiss him on the cheek, look him in the eyes and say,

"**Timing is everything."**


	14. If my yesterday is a disgrace

**A/N: **Guys... I'm really worried now. :\ I took a piss last night, and I found out that I can pee olive oil. My doctor says it's nothing to worry about but I think it is.. I mean, I'm **peeing _olive oil_**. I stopped drinking olive oil last week!

Wait, my enemy **loves** olive oil.

…

Ideaaaa!

* * *

So.

Today was cool.

We had a health project assigned, Sikowitz assigned us a new play, I had the best taco ever for lunch..

Oh. I also got back together with Jade.

Crazy, huh? It was the weirdest experience, and totally not how I'd have expected to get back together with someone.. But I don't regret it.

Not at all.

. **.** .

I'm just walking to my locker after school had ended, normal day, normal time. Well, the day was as normal as it **could** be for Hollywood Arts- I mean, Sinjin barfed on Tori's shirt this morning, which I found hilarious but strange, and Robbie and Rex got into a fist fight during lunch over some french fries.. not sure about that one, either. Anyway, I've just gotten out of my Weapons in Acting class, which was also really cool(we were doing swordfighting), and I always pass by the abandoned girl's bathroom on the way back to my locker, which is in a different wing of the school altogether from the Acting room. It's not really abandoned, but the school's janitors never clean it and, yeah, you can imagine why no one uses it. Someone found a cockroach in there once, and pretty much since then it's become forbidden feminine land. But as I'm passing the bathroom, I can hear a quiet sound coming from the bathroom and I decide that investigating isn't a waste of my time.

I open the door and avoiding the many puddles of what I hoped was piss on the ground, I tiptoed my way into the bathroom until I came to the island with many toilet stalls in it. I knew behind the island was the small collection of sinks that was, so I'd heard, the only clean part of the bathroom, so I walked through the corridor of toilets and successfully made it around the bend without getting urine on my converse. I can hear whoever's in here humming a song, Cactus in the Valley by Lights. I like that song a lot, and judging by the artist I think I have a good idea of who's out there. I'm about to step out but I see a figure there and leap back behind the bend, concealing myself from view. I needed to know who it was before going out there- like I said, I was almost sure I knew but I didn't want to scare any innocent bimbos.. I peek around the corner to see that it's none other than my ex. Thought so, Lights is her favourite band. I keep my gaze intent on her as I watch her wiping her face.. She's crying! I've **never** seen Jade cry before, even if we were dating it was just one of those things she never let me see. This was the first time and it shocked me to the core. I leap out instantaneously and her eyes lock with mine in the mirror. I can't help but smile as her face contorts in shock and she whirls around with her mouth wide open.

"Beck, what are you doing here?!" She cries and my grin goes away. Her eyes are puffy and red and her make-ups gone, revealing many a cut on her face. I see her jacket's on the marble counter of the bathroom, and I pick up her wrist to inspect it for cuts, while I respond,

"I'm here because you were crying. I want to know what's wrong." I run my thumb along the multitude of slices and gashes on her arms- no doubt self-inflicted.

"I..I miss.. I miss you." She says and looks at the ground with shame on her face. I'm surprised, but not surprised enough to not tip her head back up.

"I miss how we used to play together," She confesses. "And we used to act together, and go on walks, and most of all.. I miss how we used to sing together." I smile at her playfully, then I let out a quiet hum. She recognises the song and smiles at me, taking the hint and responding.

"**I never meant to wither / I wanted to be tall.." **She sings slowly, softly.

"**Like a fool left by the river / and watched my branches fall." **My mind is reeling at the sheer beauty in her voice. I can hear her emotions- how she does it, I'll never know. But it's amazing and it's outstanding and I absolutely do _not_ want her to stop. I tap my foot in time to the music and drum out a tempo with my fingers on the marble countertop. She looks at me and then begins to hum herself, and although I hate singing I picked up where she had left off.

"**Old and thirsty, I longed for the flood to come back around / to the cactus in the valley that's about to crumble down." **I look over at her and I see she's crying again, a few more tears streaming down her face. They're glistening like ice crystals and I tilt my head towards her, wondering what she was thinking about. I gently brushed away the tears off her face and began to hum, and she took her turn to sing.

"**Wiped the mark of sadness from my face.." **She sings as I wipe away the last tear.

"**Show me that your love will never change." **I smile and brush her hair out of her face, and I think she knows what's coming. She leans her head towards mine and takes a step forward, and I feel a burst of happiness explode inside me- like an emotional firework and it just takes over me, it's so overwhelming that when I sing I can practically taste the happiness rolling off my tongue as I sing the next line.

"**If my yesterday is a disgrace, tell me that you would still call my name."** She choruses in a soft, sweet voice, and I tip her head up with my fingers. She smiles softly at me and I lace my arms around her hips.

"**Wipe the mark of sadness from my face.. show me that your love would never change." **I finish, planting a soft kiss on her lips.

"**Show me that your love will never change." **She encores quietly, and she looks at me with a small smile. I wipe away a few more tears that accumulated on her face while we had sung the final lines to our duet, and I return the smile. I take her hand in mine and give it a reassuring squeeze. She lets go of my hand and pulls me towards her, pressing her lips onto my chin and then snuggling against me.

"I'll never leave you again, Jade." She nuzzles closer and makes a whimpering sound.

"Promise?" Her voice is so sad, so broken that even if I wanted to lie to her, I wouldn't. But I don't. Instead I press a kiss to her nose and toussle her hair with my right hand. I take a deep breath and exhale, pulling her away from me to look her in the eyes. Her gorgeous lavender eyes that are just so sad and so icy that they're beautiful in a depressing way. They look like silvery amethysts and they're just so appealing, so amazing. I don't know why someone so gorgeous would ever want me, but I'm more than happy she does and I seal the deal with another peck on her nose.

"Promise."

* * *

**A/N: **Bade is a disease. Lights is a disease.

Also, I love you Ms. CRAZYbutLOVEABLE.

because you are indeed **crazy** but **loveable**. For reviewing and entertaining me the past few hours, haha. (:

Until next time, my idio- ehem, BEAUTIFUL minions!

I'm done here.


	15. I just keep FUCKING UP

**A/N:** Hello kids!

I don't really have much to say.. o.o

Just, I'm bored and I wrote this in a really small amount of time..

I was experimenting with new styles, so I hope you like!

Also, my birthday's next week! Can't waiit! (: /makes a heart with my hands

To the story!

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a girl.

This girl was _wayyy_ too obsessed with Mariana's Trench.

She went to a Trencher concert and she got run over by fifteen fat girls who were all trying to run over to Josh Ramsay.

Needless to say,

She died.

**FIN**

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**it says gullible on the next line.  
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**gullivers.  
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**you so gullible.  
**

* * *

**ALL TO MYSELF.**

* * *

"Hey, guys. Ready to play some _poker_?!" Vega says in her annoying little voice, shooting little guns with her fingers and doing a little dance. I glance over and my boyfriend is staring at her with an unreadable emotion in his eyes. I grab the deck of cards from the middle of the table and begin to shuffle.

"Don't piss yourself there, Vega." I say nonchalantly, watching Beck in the corner of my eye to see what his reaction would be. He just rolled his eyes. Oh, so he's _embarrassed _by me? Some boyfriend you are! Tori looks at me with this incredulous look on her face and I can't help but roll my eyes at her.

"Why would I pee myself?" She asks in her whiny-ass voice. My head shoots up from the card deck so I can glare daggers at her. I get the desired effect, which is her pupils dilating and her shutting her fat mouth. André shoots me a glare, no doubt because he's protecting his one true love, and Beck looks over at me in disappointment and I almost flinch, but I don't. Instead I look back down at the cards and mumble, "Whatever. Let's get started."

But really, my mind is reeling. Why would Beck defend Tori? He's _my_ boyfriend, not hers! Why couldn't he defend me for once?

_Because you can defend yourself just fine. You don't even need him. _I hear the little voice in my head snap. _But I_ want _him_, I think, shooting a sidelong glance at Beck.

_We don't always get what we want. _I recoil at the truth behind it's words. Wow, I'm talking to a little voice. I'm crazy. I look over at Beck and begin to pass out the cards. It's eerily quiet and I wished that someone would say _something_. Beck makes eye contact with me and I can practically feel the disappointment being shot towards me.

"One time, my brother went to Japan, and he got mauled by polar bears." Cat, sweet Cat says, breaking the silence and sure as hell breaking the tension. Robbie slings an arm over her shoulder and she snuggles up to him. If I had no self-control, I would've smiled at the PDA- Those two were going to get together sooner or later.

"But.. what?" André asks, and he looks at me with question in his eyes. I shrug with a small smirk on my face. Cat was Cat and we had to accept that. I flip up my hand of cards and my poker face ensues almost immediately. Royal flush, baby. As a distraction(my poker face doesn't last that long), I started up a random conversation.

"So, who's going to the big showcase this year?" Everybody looks at me like I'm crazy, but I just look back with (I hope) a blank expression on my face. Beck is the one to answer first.

"I am." I half-smile at him, trying to seem annoyed by his simple answer, but in reality I'm more than thrilled that he was _finally_ paying attention to me. His eyes had been on Tori the whole time, after all, so my envy was justified- especially because I'm a _nothing_ compared to Tori. Sure, I'm oodles more talented, but Tori was pretty. Hell, Tori looked like a Californian Aphrodite. What was I? That dumb goth girl on the side? I realise that everybody's answered me already, so I ask something or other about weather they were performing or not, and while they were answering, I look at Tori.

I see Beck's hand wave in the corner of my eye and I turn to see what he's doing. Like magnets, I make eye contact with Beck again and his eyes widen. I blink in confusion and realise that my eyes are watery. What the hell?

_Aw, look. _The voice mocks. _Little Jadey's not so tough after all! _I grit my teeth at the voice in my head and shake it to clear it. I see Beck giving me a questioning look, and try not to let it get to me that there's no concern in his eyes, just surprise and curiosity. He looks like he's about to say something. I shake my head to warn him that _no, don't bring it up in front of these idiots _. He seems to understand, and I get up, slamming my card deck face-down onto the table.

**Please just follow me.**

"I'm going to the bathroom." I whisk around before anyone can see my face, and I stride off. I listen for footsteps behind me, but I hear none. Instead, I hear,

"So, Tori. Do you have a date for Prome?" My lip curls up instinctively and I clench my fists. _Beck, I know you're trying to make conversation, but _**_kindly_**_ shut the fuck up._ I reach the bathroom and half-slam the door behind me, leaving me in the dark bathroom by myself. After I find it, I pull the toilet seat down and sit myself down on it only to bury my face in my hands. I can't believe he asked her that. _I can't believe he _**_asked her that_**. Does he plan on breaking up with me or something? He knows how I am. He **knows** that asking that would tick me off.

"Why the fuck do you call yourself my boyfriend?" I whimper quietly, leaning my back against the toilet seat and crying into my hands as quietly as I can muster. I don't know and I don't understand why I'm breaking down over this, but fuck, our relationship is as good as over now! He doesn't even give a shit anymore!

**I thought you wanted me.**

...so why should _I?_ I close my eyes and let out a long, drawn out sigh before slamming my fists down on the shiny countertop.

_Because you love him_. The voice chides. _You're jealous, Jade. It's in your nature. After all, Beck is __hot__. Beck is __talented__. Beck is __better than _**_you_**_, and everybody knows it. Even him. _I hear it ringing in my ears and I just want it to shut up, but I know it's right. I'm a nothing.

"Stop.." I respond weakly, burying my face in the crook of my elbow.

_Stop what, Jade? Telling you the _**_truth_**_? God knows _somebody_ has to._ I bite my lip and nod slightly, submissively because it's right. The voice is right. I don't even notice I'm sobbing loudly until the voice reminds me.

_Why are yo g, Jade?_ It says with it's viper tongue, it's voice of reason and honesty. I shake my head and draw in shuddery, tired breaths before I quietly respond.

"I just.. I just **want him to love me again.**"

**'Cause I want you all to myself.**

I fold my arms on the counter in front of me and lay my head down, letting the tears fall. They're beautiful, really. Like each tear is a music note, and together they make a soft melody. As I feel each one roll down my cheek, I'm getting more and more tired. So as my eyes are about to close, I don't notice that the bathroom light was on all of a sudden. I feel a hand on my back and I freeze. I manage to tilt my head a little bit to see that it's a male out of the corner of my eye.

"Fuck off, Beck." I turn my head the other way and cringe as I hear chuckling. Very un-Beck chuckling. I lift my head and see that it's none other than André. He's smiling at me for some reason and I realise that he can see I'm crying. Shit, shit, shit, shitcakes.

_Why are you just staring at like like a retard? _The voice scolds me. _Turn around! _I immediately turn away to hide my tear-stained face in my hair. I lean down to get some toilet paper and belt out the first thing I can think to say.

"What, little miss perfect got Beck, so I'm your rebound?" It's stupid and it doesn't make sense, but It's all I can think of right now. I can feel his gaze drilling into the back of my head like daggers. He hesitates before saying,

"I don't want Tori." I turn around after removing the tears from my face and ask,

"You don't care if she gets Beck?" He acts like he's head-over-heels in love with her, so I'm genuinely astonished that he would rather be here with me than with Vega. He flashes me that smile again and I can feel my stomach clench with something called _an emotion_ and even if I don't know what it is, Jade-Lynn August West does not fucking have _emotions_. Emotions are for saps, prudes, and Beck, although Beck is already all of those things.

"I don't even like Tori." He says, and I hope he means as a friend because then he would be on my side. "I mean, as a friend," Damn it. "I do, but.. I'm interested in someone else." I rack my brain to remember something Tori told me a while ago and smile. I need verification first, though.. I lean forward, just a soupçon, and I see him mirror me. A ghost of a smile graces the edges of my lips, but I push it away.

"I feel you." I say, faking sympathy as much as I can, "I like Beck, and I'd love to be with someone else," His eyes widen a bit. Hah. "But me and Beck is all I know, you know? Ugh, why am I opening up to you? It's not like I **trust you** or anything.." I bury my face in one hand and look at him through my fingers. He looks like he's trying his hardest not to smile.

"Beck is everything to me.." I continue, "and I just can't see myself with anybody else."

**'Cause I can't stay with someone else.**

Poor André looks like he's about to die from happiness.

_You're manipulating him! _The voice screams in my ear, and I ignore it. I lean forward just an inch and I see him, once again, mirror me. A smile graces my lips and it's not an evil smile or a wary smile or even a fake smile- it's a genuine smile and as I close the distance between us, and just before my lips meet his skin I see his eyes close and his mouth half-smile. Being the oh-so-amazing tease that I am, I pecked him on the nose and pulled away with a wry grin on my face.

_You tease! Now André's going to think you like him._

"Maybe I do." I mutter angrily. André gives me a look and I glare at him. His look doesn't falter, and I see his gaze is on something behind me. I turn to see my boyfriend.

"So that's how it is?" I rolled my eyes at him, but André looked like he was about to piss himself.

**I can try and suck it up.**

"Don't get your panties in a bunch." I snarl at him cockily. "I'm sure you've kissed Tori in worse places than her nose." He draws back from me in surprise. I close my eyes and nod in approval.

"That's right, I know you've been fucking with her, you cheating **bastard**." I'm not even sure where that bluff came from, but hey, it got a reaction. Just not a good one. His hand comes lashing out at me and pops me in the face, sending me flying to the ground.

Oh, fuck no.

_Fuck no._

I launch myself at him with a gut-wrenching wail, and we land on the ground with a _thump_. I'm just _biting_ and _tearing _at him with my hands and my teeth and _punching _and _kicking_ with my feet and all the while I'm screaming profanities at him with an expression of sheer rage on my face. A red mist settles in my vision and I'm taking out all the anger I felt towards him(and then some) on him, and by the time Tori and André pull me off him, a snarling, violent mess, Beck's laying bloody and broken on the floor. But still, he gets up, staggers to his feet and looks me dead in the eye.

"You think I'm afraid to fight a girl?" His voice is icy calm and I flinch, stepping backwards into André's arms. I see Beck step towards me and Vega's weak self is trying to reason with him, trying to tell him he's going to regret hurting me. Like fuck he is. He shoves her aside and lunges at me, ripping me out of André's grasp and now, it's a fight. Not a one-sided beating but a fully-fledged fight with kicks and punches and cracks and crunches and I swear I just heard a rib break. I punch him in the jaw, he ducks and swipes my feet out from under me. I can taste the metallic tang of blood in my mouth and I don't know if it's mine or if it's his. Adrenaline is pumping through my veins and eclipsing my inhibition, and I feel Vega rip me away, I go silent. Me and Beck are just panting and staring at each other with daggers in our eyes and I spit out,

"I guess we're over now."

"Really?" He snarls sarcastically, and I turn around and dash off, away from him and away from André.

**I just keep _fucking up_.**

I run out the door, slamming it behind me, and I run, and run, and run, and run until I collapse. Unfortunately, I recognise the house I'm at. Not caring, I bury my face in my hands and curl into a ball, sobbing and sobbing like I had been only a few hours earlier. I pull myself into a sitting position and hug my knees, squeezing and squeezing until I can feel the beginnings of a bruise starting to form. I sit there in silence until a car pulls up into the driveway, and I realise who it is. Madly, I scramble away- or try to, something must have happened to my legs, so I _limp_ away and feel his arm grab me by the wrist.

"Go away!" I cry helplessly, writhing in his tight grip.

"Why did you come to my house, then?" He asks inquisitively. I look at him and then to the ground, shrugging. I mumble something along the lines of 'I don't know' and my arms drop to my sides.

**Make me feel like someone else.**

André stares at me for a moment before taking me inside and cleaning me up. After I use his(really pretty) guest bathroom, I walk out and he slides a cup of hot cocoa towards me. I take the gratuity with gratefulness. As he sips his own drink, he explains that his grandma is off to another therapy session, so we have the house to ourselves. I smile at this and go and sit on his couch.

"André," I begin slowly and deliberately. "Are you still crushing on me?" He freezes and looks over at me with fear in his eyes, and I just stare back at him, _ g_. He shrugs.

"Maybe." I freeze at this, then, before I know it, like magnets our bodies are pulling closer and closer together until _brrnnk_, they connect at the lips with a quiet sucking sound. The kiss lasts no more than five seconds but it's enough to set my heart aflutter and my eyes wide.

"So, am I a better kisser than Beck?" He asks jokingly.

"Hell, yeah." I grin at him, then pull him towards me **viciously** for another kiss.

I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, being without Beck isn't so bad after all.


	16. im not alive if i'm lonely

**a/n; **hii. um.. this is vent and kind of a true story. i'm sorry it's not a songfic.

enjoy.

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**The Beginning to an End**

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Your dad hit you for the first time today.

You were in the corner of the room, sitting and hugging your knees to your chest in a desperate attempt to [_comfort yourself_]. You were rocking forward, backward and have been doing so for the past hour.

Your face is streaming tears and your neck and cheeks hurt. They burn, actually.

There's a beautiful night sky outside, you know because when he left he left the door open. The moon's not out, but you don't care. Through the small doorframe you're looking at the stars and you wonder how every star has a solar system attached to it, a different and alternate universe for each one.

You wonder if there's another you out there, in one of those stars. You wish you were another you. A you that was happy, that didn't have fighting parents and an abusive dad and an autistic brother and cut herself and was anorexic and stupid and ** s**.

(_What's worth being worth something, anyway?_)

You get up and walk outside and sit down on the hard pavement.

You stare at the (_north star_), the brightest star in the murky ** k** night, and admire it's regal pedestal in the sky.

From the north star, you muse, you could see for miles and miles and sight things that were hundreds of lightyears away. Your clouded gaze lingers on the north star a while longer before you slowly move your hand up and cup it over your mouth. You breathe a wish, a quiet, wordless wish into your palm before making a fist with your hand and tossing it to the north star.

You've long since stop crying and your cheek hasn't hurt for a little bit(_or did you learn to ignore the pain?_), but the place on your neck where he _**pinch**__ed you _still burns with the fire of a thousand stars. Your eyes dart back up to the myriad of stars spilled out like salt and pepper on the sky, sparkling ice cold and burning fire bright.

You squeeze your eyes shut as a wave of frustration washes over you. You bite your lip, bite and _dig in _with your teeth until you taste the metallic tang of your own blood. Why were you alone? What had you possibly done to make yourself so _**un**__appealing _and _**un**__love__**able**_to people? To your parents? To your family, your friends?

The questions danced in your head and were _always_, _always_ on the tip of your tongue. So many times you had nearly blurted them out, so many times you'd stopped yourself. It wouldn't help anything anyway, you decide. They'd just pass it off as you being yourself and that's about all.

(_But even the __**happiest **__people have a story hidden behind their smile._)

You clench your fists, the tears are returning. They roll down your cheek at an alarming rate, sparkling crystals- no, quartz -that run down your face and land with quiet _plumpplumpplump_ sounds. You squeeze your eyes shut and send the last of the liquid sorrow on it's way, then open them and stare at the night sky. You try to enjoy it.

(_But it's no fun when you're l__**one**__ly.)_

You take a deep breath and look at the stars. There must be millions**&**billions**&**trillions of them. More, even. You realise, you that there's a different **you**niverse for each one. That there was a different you in each one, and maybe, in one of them, you weren't miserable (maybe).

Maybe somewhere, out there, you were happy.

(_you can only wonder._)

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**a/n; **yep. hope you liked. i was trying a new style, i guess.


	17. More than just bad luck

**a/n; **I just watched 'The Sleep Walker'. It's so cute, it's a cartoon Disney made where Pluto is sleeping and this Daschund comes and tries to take his bone, then he chases her away and gets it back. He goes back to sleep and then in a fit of sleepwalking, he gives the Daschund the bone. Then he wakes up and tries to find it, then he goes to her house and breaks her only food dish. He takes the bone with him and goes[tries to] back to his house, but he falls asleep on the way. Then he gives her the bone and walks off again. She buries the bone and he wakes up when he steps on a dish, and then he gets pissed off and goes back to her. She gives him the bone and he chases after her, then destroys her house. And then when the rubble clears, she's standing over like ten Daschund puppies and they all run out to play with him, and then it starts raining and they don't have a home so Pluto is feeling guilty because he wrecked their doghouse. So he gives her his doghouse and they all go inside, and then he gives them all his bones and goes to sleep under a newspaper with a smile on his face.

It's so cute.

Also, that was horrendously long for a summary.

...anywho.

This is my thirtieth document on FF! Horray! **/**throws around confetti and dances

/confetti cannon explodes in my face

aw, poo.

...I'm going to marry Bade. That's not even possible. But I'm gonna do it. And second person. Because I am in love with them. I will be a bigamist and Bade and Second Person will be my husbands. My last name will be Beckond Persade. Case rested.

and no one can stop me. Except maybe **_c_****razy****_b_****ut****_l_****oveable** or **_t_****he****_ r_****eading****_ w_****izard**- actually, they'd probably be my best men. Yep, you two are males now. Sorry. **_F_****lor****_m_****orada** would be my.. hm. She'd be my dog. I mean, she already is.

I was actually going to make this a Bade/Jandré story, but I thought you all would kill me.

It's not my fault, you're not requesting songs! Actually, someone requested Sweet Dreams are Made of These but I can't remember who. Anyway, I couldn't figure out a plot to do it. Sorry..

This writing style(and me overusing the **& **sign, which I find very sexy-like) was heavily(like, second day of your period, heavy) based off of **_a_****loxi**, **_d_****ramatic****_starlet & m_****asquerading ****_w_****ith ****_s_****hadows'** writing.

(But I'm still putting my own twist on it ;D)

They're amazingly talented **& **I know my writing is very pitiful in comparison, but it's all good.

Also, I'm contemplating changing my pen name to 'the ampersand'. :o Whatcha think?

Anywhom, my pretties, enjoy this chapter. FF messed it up though so some words might be missing. _

[Disclaimer: I own victorious.]

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**SPEEDING CARS.**

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_._

_._

_Here's the day you hoped would never come _**;**

_Don't feed me violence, just run with me through rows of __**[**_s p **e** e d _i_ n_ g_c_ a __**r**_ s _**]**_**;**

"I'm going outside. If you're not out there with me by the count of ten, we're **over**."

"Ten."

"Nine."

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"Eight."

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"Seven."

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"Six."

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"Five."

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"Four."

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"Three."

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"Two."

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"One."

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_The paper cuts, the _cheating_ lovers, the coffee's never _/_**strong**_/_ enough __**;**_

_I know you think it's more than just __**. **__bad luck __**.**_

That was it. The final countdown. The deciding vote that was there to make or break you, **&** of course, it **broke you**.

(_Just__ you, of _course.)

Your whole world had just come _cascading down_; like he was an anchor- **no**. A life raft that kept you afloat, the hot air balloon that kept you from falling down,

down,

_down_

to the depths of hell(where you **clear**ly belong).

With a shaky hand, you reached out towards the doorknob. Your fingers graced the surface with a gentle touch, & the cold steel burned your skin like lava.

You grimaced **&** pulled your hand away. He's not worth it. You told yourself, spinning on the heel of a foot & walking away. Your face was warm **& **the sadness was squeezing out of your eyes, with tears that were trailing _slowly _down your cheeks.

As you were walking, a thousand memories flashed behind your eyelids with the bright light of a camera flash. Happy memories, sad memories **&** angry memories; all in your minds eye **&** crystal-clear.

He's not worth it, he's not worth it. You told yourself again before you got into your car. You turned on the ignition & the car springs to life with a mighty _roar_. Sniffing again, you kicked it into reverse **&** got the fuck out of dodge.

You could still see his face, picture-perfect: Black hair, tan skin, brown cow eyes, muscular arms.. You could smell him(of course your car smelled like him); key lime **&** honey, you could feel the ghost of his skin touching your own with just the gentlest but strongest of touches **&** you could most of all still taste his lips on your own.

But he was gone now, wasn't he?

Evidently you weren't good enough.

_Course you weren't.. _The little voice in your head screamed. _He has better things to do, better places to see & better memories to make with someone who __**isn't you. **__Hell, all his memories of you are tainted with your jealousy, your melodrama & your overreacting. Who the __**hell**__ made you think he'd want someone like __you__ in the first place? _You winced at the truth in that statement, but your pride got the best of you(it always does).

_Keep your fucking memories._ You thought bitterly as you pulled into the driveway of your house.

_There, there, baby, it's _just_ textbook stuff. It's in the __**ABC**__ of growing up _**;**

_Now, now, darling, oh, don't __lose your head__. 'Cause _{_none_}_ of us were l_ s_, & you __**know**__ I love you _**;**

You storm out of your car, slamming the door shut behind you **&** walk up the stairs.

Next thing you knew, you were perched at the edge of your toilet, vomiting your entrails out into the bowl & onto the floor(_what a mess, but it's not as bad as you are_). You hoped that somewhere along the way, your _& _your would fall out of your stomach, **&** it would be gone **&** that would be that.

(_Hoping__ doesn't get you that far._)

You got up **&** staggered to the sink to splash off your face. The glacier-cold water was welcome(better than tears) **&** your eyes fluttered shut from the comforting sensation that it brought you. You sighed and(lifelessly) grabbed the razor from your bathroom countertop. It's like clockwork.

_**Do you love me again?**_

You sliced three times- one for every year you wasted with that uncommitted _bastard_ **&** watched the blood as it poured from each cut. The scarlet trickles melded together to form a maroon delta; a red river that travelled down your arm **&** desc**end**ed onto your granite counter without so much as a _plopplopplop_.

You took a deep breath before putting the razor down(_what, without washing it?_) **& **walking over to your dresser. A small can labelled 'Melatonin' is sitting on the desk. You picked it up **&** opened it with a _pop_, emptying _onetwothreefourfivesix__**seven **_painfull pills into your shaky hand.

_**Who said I stopped?**_

You downed them whole without a single sip of water(or a second thought), **&** (with slumped shoulders **&** a heavy heart) padded over to your bed. You fell into the soft mattress **&** your eyes fluttered closed. As you felt the last of your life slipping away, you took note of the rusty red blood seeping into your duvet **&** how it looks like a heart. A mangled, broken, diseased, tainted, heart that could belong to nobody but yourself.

You draw your arm up to your face in a sweeping movement, covering your eyes. Even hiding behind the curtains of your eyelids, you can see the crimson blood spilling onto your face.

(He's not **worth** it.)

Oh, but he _is_.

_The sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away __**;**_

_Glistening in the _cold sweat _of {__**g u **__i l__** t} .**_

* * *

**a/n; H**ey hey hey! Hoped you liked it. Because I'm never writing in past tense again.

**E**ver. If you guys want to contact me elsewhere(: o) then hit me up with a PM and I'll give you my Pinger# or my Twitter or something. That's about all.

**L**eave. o.O The authors note is over.

**P**lease?

Dude, but seriously, gtfo. o.O

…...

yeah.


	18. So much for my happy ending

**a/n; **this kind of sucks but I think I have to end this series thing early. :C Im seriously too busy right now to do one EVERY SINGLE DAY. Im still doing Trading Secrets, though, and you'll be seeing a new chapter about that whenever I get around to it. Sorry, guys. :L

If you want an explanation, right now we're in northern Egypt and we have to pack, because tomorrow we're taking the 6 hour drive back to our hometown, only to pack **again**, because i'm coming back to the US two days after- my birthday. Yep, going on a 36 hour plane ride is the best birthday gift... EVAR. Not really. But i'll manage. Anywhom, so that's why I cant.

Plus I hate commitment. u

sooo.. bye. See you layyytuurrr.


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